Express The Sensual

I’ve been thinking a lot about The Rules lately.  You know, The Rules that “help” you decide what’s right and wrong.  The Rules that “explain” how you have to do this, or buy that, to ever have a chance to be beautiful, sexy, healthy, successful, or just plain average.  The Rules that say you’ve got to listen to all the “experts,” go to college, and become a mindless drone in some big huge corporation that thinks your name is j88456.

God forbid you want to have a good time in your 20’s.  And forget fun in your 30’s or 40’s because your fucking 401k isn’t big enough yet.  So just settle down, put your nose to the grindstone and look forward to retirement.  Um, yeah.  FUCK THAT!

Am I a hypocrite for telling you NOT to do EXACTLY what I did (except I’m not in my 40’s)?

Nope. Because I’ve decided that I’m not going to lay down and die (metaphorically speaking).

I’ve decided that I’M NOT DONE YET.

I’m not going to give up on my dreams even if they are just the insane delusions of a physicist slash poledancer slash writer who got stuck in a lab without windows for too long and refuses to drink the public KoolAide.

I left my last job because, when I stepped into the office everyday, I saw the walking dead.  Literally, zombies and brain eaters everywhere.  And I was well on my way to Zombie stardom…with overwork, daily headaches, wacky dizzyness, and general sadness whenever I typed my name (ex: j88456) into my login prompt.  I didn’t want to be a victim or a Zombie leader.   So I went a little nuts in an over strained economy and just quit.

I quit to save my life.

I quit to save my health.  I quit because I was too dehydrated to cry anymore. And it worked… sortof.

I mean I got back my life, I got back my health, and my face stopped looking like a pinkish prune with brown eyed spots.  But once I was alive again, I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself.  I’d spent over 30 years building up an identity as the Kick Ass Physicist with accompanying bachelors degrees, master’s degree, ridiculously long resume, hot red Audi, and sexy business suits.   I’d been playing my role to a T and had everybody fooled.  But I realized that every time I got close to finishing the picture of me as the “Kick Ass Physicist,” I’d fuck it up. And when I finally quit the “perfect” job I asked myself… “what the hell is wrong with me?”

Woman are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy

I was afraid of breaking The Rules.

I was afraid of doing all the things that society told me weren’t safe for a woman like me.  Seriously, ask yourself if you’d be willing to quit your job, with no security net, no new job to go to, and no outside financial support.

I was totally crazy, right?  Maybe.

Maybe I still am.

Because while I stood outside of the daily 9 to 5 grind I discovered that I had all these hidden passions.  I had dreams and opinions and I cared about doing shit that I had buried in a hole inside my mind when I was 12 years old.

And now, I’m still afraid.  I’m afraid that I will wimp out without doing all the amazing things I’ve got floating around in my head.  I’m afraid I’ll give in to the comforts of a recently acquired steady paycheck instead of creating and sharing my ideas about sensuality, authenticity, purpose and passion with everyone who will listen.  I’m afraid to die with my music still in me.

But my fear is giving me the ability to fight.

It’s making me stronger and more resourceful than I’d ever imagined I could be.  Because I’m the one who has to make things happen– meaning that without me, my dreams won’t come true. I’m the one that has to put in the work, write that story, create that video, teach that class, learn about running an online business & a million other things I didn’t even know existed…and still stay true to my heart, my passions, my purpose.

So today, I’d like to kindly thank The Rules for getting me here…

And then tell them to FUCK OFF or Suck my big sparkly red (nonexistent) Balls!

Because The Rules aren’t needed anymore.  I don’t need limiting beliefs.  I don’t need social conventions.  I don’t need tribal knowledge. As of this moment, I am letting go of everything that doesn’t help me on the path to my dreams.  I don’t care how many obstacles are in my way as long as I learn from them.

And I reserve the right to change my dreams whenever the hell I feel like it as long as I’m still working with passion toward goals that mean something to me. Because I’m pretty sure I don’t know everything there is to know right now but I aspire to be as flexible in my mind as Gumby is bendy.

So if you’ve got any problems with pole dancing, exotic dancing, erotic writing, swearing like a trucker, sex and sensual living, then this blog probably isn’t for you.  On the other hand, if you like all that stuff and you enjoy the occasional rant from a writer turned physicist turned pole dancer turned writer again then I’m so very glad you are here.  I’ve got a bunch of wonderful ideas and I need your help.

Please tell me what you’d like to read about on ExpressTheSensual.  Tell me your stories (in private or in public).  Or just send me a reminder on twitter that I made you a promise.

I promise that I will transform my weaknesses and fears into some seriously awesome fun stuff specifically for your enjoyment…

…Like ebooks about living sensually…

…more pole/exotic dance video classes…

…and naughty erotic short stories for cold nights by the fire…

As well as sharing QandAs, HowTos, and any other sexy goodness I learn/find along the way.

I’ve got a lot of work to do, so it’s guess it’s time for me to get my big ass busy. XOXOX

What are your dreams & goals? How have you committed to your passionate path? I love hearing from you so please add your comment below!

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1.  Don’t be afraid to act like a bad girl

Bette Davis was know for her “willingness to play unsympathetic roles.” Some of her most acclaimed characters were an adulterous murderer, a Jezebel, and a prostitute.

Give yourself the time and space to play with the darker parts of your personality. Everybody has them.  Don’t bottle your emotions when you feel angry, powerful, or hungry for something naughty. Accept them. Welcome them. You can still feel your authentic nature without responding or acting in a negative manner. Instead cultivate your Femme Fatale, your Huntress, your Evil Queen.  There’s nothing wrong with playing in the dirt as long as you define the safety rules first and remember to take a shower when you are done.

When I feel like a Woman on the prowl I listen to If by Janet Jackson, Fully Alive by Flyleaf, and Cry Little Sister by G Tom Mac.

2.  Find your own sex appeal

Bette Davis was known for her lusciously riveting eyes and fought to ensure the lighting of every film emphasized her most well known feature.  However, she often remarked that she had built her career, not with her beauty, but by being tough and passionate about personal excellence. Jack Warner (of Warner Brothers) said she had that “magic quality that transformed this sometimes bland and not beautiful little girl into a great artist.”

You are sexy. I absolutely know this already, without ever laying my eyes on you.  However, I don’t know WHAT is sexy about you.

For years, I struggled with my own sensuality.  I felt ugly and very un-charismatic.  I became so depressed with my body image that I gained 70lbs to ensure that no man would ever touch me again (meaning I went from a size 12 to size 18).  But one day, I decided that I liked my ass. Even if I was overweight, I still had sexy curvy hips and a lovely bum.  Day after day, I built on that positive feeling.  I found jeans that showed off my ass.  I wore shirts that hugged my hourglass waist.   I pole danced to music that made me want to swing and sway my hips.

Over time, I recognized more features that made me feel sexy.  My long hair, my earthy brown eyes, my strong shoulders.  With each discovery, I felt better about myself and created more ways to enjoy my body exactly as it is–Like using the Hurricane Hips to strengthen my abs and show off my bootay!  The most amazing side effect is that, by loving my ass, I’ve learned how to take care of my body, lost the weight, and gained more strength and flexibility than I ever had before.  Find Your Bette.  Find something to love about yourself and let your sex appeal grow from there. If I can do this, you can do this!

3.  Accept tribute and compliments with grace and style

When Kim Carne’s wrote “Betty Davis’ Eyes” Bette Davis wrote thank you notes to Kim Carne and the songwriters. She even hung the gold and platinum records, a gift from Kim, on her wall.

Do you respond to compliments by telling the person that they are crazy or blind?  Or perhaps you assume that they are only complimenting you because they want something from you.  Please, please, please don’t do this anymore.  Give yourself permission to accept compliments without judgment. Recognize that, although you may not agree (perhaps because you need to read Rule #4 again), the person complimenting you is giving you a gift–that they are grateful to know you, to share time with you, to enjoy your company.  And the best way to respond to such a gift is to continue sharing your amazing, beautiful, authentic self.

The next time you dance for an audience, accept their praise as the gift of gratitude, smile, and say “Thank You” like the sexy Minx you are!

4. Be true to yourself and not to your critics

In “Of Human Bondage”, Bette Davis fought for an authentic death scene no matter how unglamorous.  She said, “the last stages of consumption, poverty and neglect are not pretty and I intended to be convincing-looking.”

If there is only ONE thing you get from this article, get this: Being your Authentic Self in every moment is the most powerful way to effect the world and enjoy your life. Don’t dampen your personality and pretend to be someone else.  Don’t put on a mask to please your coworkers, family, or friends.  Let go of anyone who doesn’t encourage you to be exactly who you are.

Real life usually isn’t glamorous, but it is always powerful. You can tell the difference between passionate action and apathy.  Let your authentic power shine through your face, your body, and your movements.  Let you emotions explode out while you dance.  If you need to pound on the floor in agony, do it.  If you need to smile in the blissful throws of a spinning flight around the pole, then grin like a mother fucking idiot.  The world can tell the Truth from a plastic imitation.  So, don’t fake an orgasm, don’t dance what you don’t feel, and don’t apologize for who you are.

5.  Live life beyond the routine

Bette Davis worked in every genre in Hollywood, television, and Broadway including contemporary crime dramas, historical, period films, comedies, & romantic dramas.  She said that throughout her career she had followed Charles Loughton advice…

“Never not dare to hang yourself. That’s the only way you grow in your profession. You must continually attempt things that you think are beyond you, or you get into a complete rut.”

Challenge yourself and your limits. If you always dance in t-shirts, put on a bikini top instead.  If you always dance to country music, throw on Beautiful by Eminem.  If you usually dance in the dark, turn on all the lights and dance at high noon. Question your own inhibitions.  Don’t let the need for security, the status quo, and fear of change, suffocate your personal style.

If you need help breaking through the box & developing your dance style, try one of my Improvisational Dance Challenges.  If you need help busting your own limiting beliefs in life then check out The Sedona Method or the ReCreate Your Life program.  These two simple methods have helped me break through my own emotional barriers to find the passion to follow my dreams. (I’m not kidding)

6.  Wanting your dreams isn’t enough–Make them happen.

For her first 4 years in Hollywood, Bette Davis was said to have “lovely eyes” but about “as much sex appeal as Slim Southerland,” (an unattractive male actor of the 40s). But in 1934, after over 20 (unnoticed) film roles, she played the vicious Mildred Rogers in “Of Human Bondage”, which was described as “probably the best performance ever recorded on the screen by a U.S. actress.”

She continued her illustrious, yet sometimes rocky career until 1983, when she developed breast cancer.  But in 1985, she overcame a mastectomy, four strokes, and paralysis in her left side to star in 4 more films and received the Kennedy Center Honor, the Legion of Honor from France, the Campione d’Italia from Italy and the Film Society of Lincoln Center Lifetime Achievement Award.  In fact, over her lifetime, she was nominated for an Oscar a stunning 10 times, a feat only 4 other actors have ever achieved.

Bette Davis said that she didn’t commit to her career as an actress until 1926 when she saw a production of Henrik Ibsen’s The Wild Duck with Blanche Yurka and Peg Entwistle…

Before that performance I wanted to be an actress,” Bette said, “ When it ended, I had to be an actress.”

I believe that everyone has a life purpose that only they can define.  But just because you know what you want, doesn’t mean that you have committed to it.  Commitment requires daily, monthly, and yearly action and usually a leap of faith or two.  It takes the understanding that you can’t just sit around and wait for your dreams to come true.  You have to take one step after another and make them come true. Mistakes are just the mileposts of learning, NOT an indication that you are on the wrong path.

If you want to learn how to invert, you are going to have to put in the time and effort to make your abs strong.  If you want to do the splits, you are going to have to stretch or do yoga every week.  If you want to be a writer, you are going to have to write & edit your work daily (this is a little reminder for me too   You might even need to call on a professional instructor who can help motivate you and teach you the tips, tricks, and techniques you need to get to the next level. Success requires that you translate your passionate dreams into committed action, RIGHT NOW.

“To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy. ” “My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.“ “ — Bette Davis

What makes you feel like a beautiful Bette? How do you express that authentic beauty in your dance & in your life? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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I don’t apologize for pole dancing.  I don’t apologize for drinking green tea or choosing to eat sushi instead of a hamburger.  I don’t apologize for enjoying R rated movies or doing the splits at the gym.  I definitely don’t apologize for enjoying sex as often as I feel like it either.  So if the world thinks I’m going to apologize for dancing around my living room with a shiny metal pole while wearing a bikini top and an itty bitty teeny tiny skirt…. Then the world should think again.

I’m not stopping.  Not tonight, not next year, not next month or ever.  In fact, I’ve made it my personal mission to use pole and exotic dancing to teach other woman how phenomenally beautiful and SEXY they already are. But the truth is that pole dancing is just the medium.  Every woman is amazing before I teach her a single twirl…before they take their first spin around the pole…before their hips ever move in the smallest of circles.

Every woman has an inherent sensual power. She carries it with her everywhere.  Ready to be unleashed in the kitchen, the boardroom or the bedroom.  It’s her choice.

What pisses me off, is that sometimes we as woman forget we’ve got it.  The cookie. The thing that makes our lovers stand up and beg for buttermilk.  I’m not sure when or where we stopped feeling that sensual animal inside, but I do know that if you don’t feel it, you’ve got to find it.  You’ve got to get the animal back.  She’s the source of your power and she’s sitting in the shadows asking what in the hell you’re waiting for…..

I can’t tell you exactly where she is, but I can tell you where she isn’t.  She isn’t at the top of the corporate ladder pretending to be a man at the head of the table.  I don’t mean you shouldn’t KICK-ASS at work.  And I definitely don’t mean you shouldn’t lead.  You should KICK-ASS at work, you can KICK-ASS at work, and you probably do KICK-ASS at work.  But not by trying to be “as good as a man.”  You already are an amazing woman, so why bother trying to be “a man.” I may never meet you and yet, I know this as ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Have you ever noticed how exhausted you get trying to “beat men at their own game.” Yes, I know you can do it, but personally, I’ve found that playing the game like a man wears me down faster than the other guys.  They wake up at 6am ready to go (or is that just morning wood?) and I get more and more tired.

The problem isn’t that we are too weak, or too feminine, or too fragile because we are women.  The problem is that it’s just not our damn game. That game is meant to be played with a penis and, I don’t know about you, but I just don’t have one of those, nor do I want one. So, tomorrow, when you wake up, instead of getting ready to play their game one more fucking time, make the decision to change the rules.

Listen to your instincts, listen to your heart, and stop asking permission to be sexy.  Wear skirts if you’ve got great legs.  Wear pants if you’ve got a great butt.  Sway your hips ever so slightly when you walk.  Smile with the knowledge that you’ve got something the men around you don’t have, can’t have, and want BADLY.  Don’t apologize for loving the way you love, for caring the way you care, or for having hips, tits and an ass. Because I guarantee the men around you won’t ever apologize for having a penis.

Practice walking the halls at work (or the grocery store), turning your sensual power on and off, on and off.  Notice how people will start to watch you, open the door for you, give up their seat at the conference table for you.  I’m not telling you to flirt shamelessly (unless that’s what YOUR sensual animal wants).  I’m telling you to let the power of being a woman flow through you.

Remember, your body is made for creation– a beautiful expression of the living breathing world around you. The moment you accept that power and the responsibility that goes with it, you will feel that sensual ebb and flow…. You will BE that sensual ebb and flow. And the people around you, both men and woman, will respond.   They will respect you more for being a woman who enjoys being a woman. Men will feel more alive and be more authentic with you.  Other woman will be more connected to you.  It won’t be an instant utopia, but it will be a deeper alignment between you and the life you want to live.

So whatever you do, don’t apologize for being soft, for being sensual, for sometimes needing to cry for no reason at all. Don’t apologize for having an opinion or doing something different than everybody else.  Don’t apologize for playing like a woman, for starting up a new game, with new rules…. Especially if you are winning!

And don’t EVER apologize for pole dancing.

How do you express your sensual feminine self? When do you feel the most connected with the world? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!