Express The Sensual

It happens to all of us eventually.  You’re chugging along, working towards your dreams and life offers you an opportunity to do exactly what you were hoping for:  Try out a really difficult trick, expand your skills at an advanced workshop, perform for an audience.  At first, you’re excited, practically breathless with anticipation, but then you feel something swirling deep in your belly. The feeling intensifies, it’s painful, gurgling, unhappy.  Your heartbeat picks up and you feel fearful for no recognizable reason.  You want to run away from your pole and hide. You might even start to cry.

Suddenly you consider the possibility that you could actually suck at this. 

Insecurity has come a’calling and she’s being a Bitch!

So you try to fight it off.  You stand up taller, stick out your chest, and tell yourself you’re not weak.  You tell yourself that you’re not pitiful.  You shout at yourself that YOU! MUST! DO! THIS!  But the feeling is still there, cowering in a corner, hugging itself, biting it’s lip to keep from crying.  Mine even makes a meeping sound.  Meep. Meep.

You attempt to trudge forward, but the Meep keeps raising it’s sad little head at all the wrong times.  That exciting new invert you just barely got yesterday – Meep? A burlesque performance – Meep. Meep.  A pole competition – Meep!  You find yourself procrastinating, avoiding that awesome opportunity, deciding it’s not worth the pain and suffering. And then, the opportunity is just gone.

But that annoying Meep? It’s STILL crying in the corner.  (Please note that the Meep is different from the NGE Monster. The NGE Monster is mean whereas the Meep is usually frightened and sad)

What can you do?  What does anybody do when insecurity shows it’s sad, goofy face?  Ignore it?  Bluster though it? Yell and scream at it? Kick it into submission? — No.

The Cure For Insecurity is NOT Anger

Pushing through the insecurity, fighting it before acknowledging it, will only drive it deeper into your subconscious. That’s why it keeps coming back; meeping and meeping when you really need to be focusing on the task of working towards your awesome, awesome goals. (I know they are awesome, because they are yours!)

Many people push their fears so far aside that they can’t even remember why they are freaking out, even though they are freaking out ALL THE TIME.  They are living in a fog.  And it’s really damn hard to decide which direction to climb if you can’t figure out where you’re starting from. That’s how people fall off of mountains and poles.

However, once you accept that you are feeling insecure and fearful, you have actually stepped into reality.  Now you can deal with that 15 foot tall obstacle of shiny metal, and the present moment, from a place of clarity and honesty. This is where you are [upside down on a pole].  This is what you’re feeling [my arms are shaky because I forgot where to put my hands].  This hurdle [pole trick / performance / dance troupe interview] is an opportunity for you to learn something seriously cool about yourself and really shine. Let’s deal with this.

Hug Your Meep!

The first thing I do when my Meep pops up (once I get past the crying fit) is to really notice it.  I take a soft deep breath and pay attention to how my body is reacting to this moment.

• Are my legs tight or wobbly?
• Is my breath shallow or fast?
• Are my hands clenched or shaking?
  

I check in with my body and breathe into every sensation. I don’t let it overwhelm me, but I give myself the time to figure out what they hell I’m feeling insecure about, instead of labeling my feelings as stupid, or weak, and shoving them aside. (This is called the internal witness in meditation and yoga)

Then, (and this is the weird bit) I offer some compassion to my sweet Meep.

Feeling insecure doesn’t have to be your enemy.

If you take your Meep, offer it a glass of chardonnay, and give it big, loving squeeze, you’ll realize that it just needed some reassurance.  Your Meep just needed you to recognize that you are growing beyond your boundaries (which is scary AND exciting).  You’re learning something new, becoming stronger, becoming wiser, feeling sexy, feeling liberated, and tapping into your deeper self. Whether that deeper self is a Sexy Minx, sweet Miss Mary, or ass kicking Rocker Chic is up to you and your Meep.

I know it can be difficult to turn an annoying Meep into your new BFF and coo sweet things at it.  Sometimes they won’t stop crying.  So, I usually think of my Meep as a heart shaped puff ball of fur with small doe eyes and a huge smile. Then, I shout “Meep! Meep!” (yes, really) All of which makes me smile and laugh at my own playful audacity.  Simply imagining my Meep like this makes me want to pet it until everybody feels better and we can all Get On With The HOT HOT Pole Dancing!

Acknowledge! Clarity! Action!

So the next time you feel insecure, look for your Meep, share a cocktail, a laugh, and a hug (acknowledge!).  Use clues from your body to figure out what is really going on (clarity!) and decide how you’re going step over those hurdles (action!).  Then get ready to fucking shine and kick some serious pole dance ass.

How do you deal with the softer fears of insecurity that plague us in dancing and in daily life?  Do you fight?  Do you run away? Or do you give yourself love and compassion? Tell us in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

Sometimes it’s not beautiful…

Because it’s new and you’re learning.

Because it’s old and you haven’t done it in a while.

Because you’re tired and feeling clumsy.

Because you’ve forgotten the steps.

Because your muscles feel tight and your mind feels sluggish and your soul just doesn’t have the same passion as yesterday.

Sometimes it’s not beautiful…

But YOU still are.

Sometimes you need the world to recede. You need to hide from it because it’s simply too much to bear for one moment longer. And your practice slows down. You stop dancing so hard, so fast, so strong. You stop stretching to your maximum potential. You stop meditating everyday. You just need it all to STOP because it’s spinning too fast for you to handle and you’re just trying to remember how to Breathe.

So let it STOP.

Let it stop NOW. Right NOW. Let the world go. You don’t have to hold it together one second longer. You don’t have to make it all work perfectly. That’s not your job right now.

You’re job is to BREATH.

You’re job is to put your feet on the ground and feel the earth pulsing underneath your toes.

You’re job is to simply experience what it means to be completely and totally alive exactly where you are and exactly who you are at this second in time.

And then when you are ready.  When you can feel your breath moving in and out.  When the energy of your own life is gently humming through your fingertips.

Then and ONLY THEN…

Let it begin again.

But this time, look at it with a child’s wonder.  With a beginners mind.  To a child, every moment is a new opportunity to play, a new opportunity to learn, experience, grow, laugh, and love life with an open heart.

Open your heart to your true Self.  This is who you are.  This is how you dance.  This is how you spin and twirl.  This is how you bend and extend.

This is your body and this is how it moves. This is how it feels to fly.

Maybe it feels old. Maybe it feels young.

Maybe it feels tired.  Maybe it feels energized.

Maybe it feels dirty.  Maybe it feels clean.

No matter how it feels, it also feels alive.  Because when you dance like a child, like a beginner, your dance comes alive.

Alive with truth. Alive with Breath. Alive with every emotion and experience you’ve had since your eyes first opened to this world.

And whether the dance feels beautiful or not, YOU, and the child inside you, are more beautiful than words can describe.

To commit to a lifetime of pole dancing, yoga, or meditation can be difficult especially when your progress feels frustrating and slow. Share your fears and how you find the Beauty in movement again in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

I love girls on chairs almost as much as I love girls on poles.  There’s something seriously powerful about watching one of your best friends giving your other best friend a lapdance, just because she can.  In that moment, nobody is worrying about how big or small her ass should be.  Or how her legs compare to [insert championship pole dancer here]. We’re all just enjoying the absolutely carefree playful spirit permeating the room.  We shout dirty jokes as the lapdancer pops her booty in the receivers face until one of them has to “tap out” because she is laughing too damn hard. (NOTE – no pole dancers were harmed in the making of this post.)  And everyone claps in real appreciation as she slides down in the splits and says” TaDa!”

No one critiques her.  No one holds up signs that say 8 or 9.5. No one would even consider saying something negative at a pole party (especially at the fabulous birthday party I went to last night at Siren Fitness.)

The Demon’s Playground?

But when we move this whole experience and rename it from Party to Class, our inner demons surface. Instead of playfulness we become overly serious.  Instead of experimental we become regimental.  Instead of cultivating acceptance of ourselves and our bodies, we become judgmental, critical, and frustrated.

One of the key issues that every teacher struggles with is how to create an environment where woman will let go of all that self judgment.  We use encouragement, positive feedback, and try to teach by example.  Some dance studios encourage Las Vegas Rules, ie what happens in class stays in class.  Students can share generalities and their own experience with their family and friends, but not the names of other students or whether Stacy’s invert is better than Jane’s.

The Big NGE

But in the end, everything still comes down to one woman and her thoughts of being Not Good Enough. And don’t kid yourself, every woman struggles with Not Good Enough.  Even if she has managed to slay this demon, the damn thing usually has babies and no matter how cute and fuzzy they may seem in the beginning, eventually they’ll start sprouting six heads, shark teeth, and menacing poison tipped spikes. (I know this sounds all doom and gloom, but I promise there’s a happy ending…no not THAT kind of happy ending.  Geez!)

You’re Not Alone

I’ve been pole dancing for 10 years, teaching pole for 6 years, taking dance movement classes since I was 12 years old and I still regularly experience Not Good Enough.  In fact, some days it’s all I experience.  I’ll go to class feeling relaxed and ready to experiment, attempt a pole spin I’ve done a million times and totally bomb it.  At this point, I can usually get up, dust myself off, and try again. But by the third try, if I’m still unsuccessful, my NGE Demon will shake itself awake and start snarling at me.  It’s beady red eyes will glow as it says “You’ve got to extend, silly girl! Look at how weak you are? I told you this would happen if you ate that slice of chocolate cake last Saturday!  At least try to point your damn toes and fall gracefully! “

However, for me, the worst of the worst, the nastiest of the nasty, is the Not Good Enough demon from hell that I experience when I’m teaching.  Now, I LOVE teaching.  In fact, I’m working very hard to make teaching movement my full time job.  But when I’m teaching, it is my job to make sure every woman in my class has an awesome experience.  I need to ensure every woman understands the technique we’re working on, the safety issues associated with it, and all the different layers that turn a mechanical movement into a sensual pole spin. I WANT her to have a good time…. but I can’t MAKE her have a good time. Which means whenever a student is struggling with her NGE Demon, I’m struggling with mine.  My Teaching NGE Demon says “Quick, quick!  Help her for goodness sake.  What sort of a teacher are you?  Can’t you see she’s struggling because you didn’t explain it well enough?”

The White Knight Comes to your Rescue

I wish I could tell you that after years and years of pole dance practice, the feeling of being Not Good Enough goes away.  I wish I could tell you that if you conquer the beast once, it will never rear it’s ugly head again.  I WISH I could tell you that, but I can’t.  And I wish I could tell you that some sexy, gallant man is going to ride in at just the right moment, shove a pike into the belly of the demon and whisk you away to a huge castle with a room full of Louboutin shoes.  Instead you’re going to have to learn how to strap on a sword… because You are the White Knight.

The only person who can rescue you from your NGE demon is you.  And here’s the light at the end of the tunnel: Slaying the demon isn’t easy, but it’s does get easier.

Arm Thyself, Sensual Warrior

The number one way I have found to kill the feeling of being Not Good Enough, is Aparigraha.  No, I’m not speaking in tongues, well maybe I am a little. Aparigraha is a concept from Tantric Yoga which basically means non-attachment or non-clinging.  For me, Aparigraha is the cultivation of acceptance that all things in life will change.  All things are ethereal. Today can never be exactly like yesterday and tomorrow doesn’t exist yet.  It means JUST FOR TODAY, let go of the past.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your judgment.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your fantasies for the future (also known as expectations). Because, if you hold on to everything with a death grip, you’ll lose the one ability that makes us alive, the ability to change.

So when the Not Good Enough Demon attacks you, pull out your sword (of compassion) and kill him with kindness. JUST FOR THIS BREATH, accept life without resistance because you still have the power to change. In fact, the world is conspiring with you.  That’s why it promises that this moment in your life won’t be anything like the last one, or anything like the moment before that.

You have the freedom to choose something new every time you take a breath. Instead of judging yourself as Not Good Enough, simply accept that something happened that you didn’t want to happen.  It already happened.  You already lived through it, successfully(!) and now you have more information, more knowledge, more understanding.  Let it go, learn from it, and make a new choice.

Queen of the Compassionate Castle

I know how difficult it is to accept yourself in the heat of frustration, as you fail to achieve that perfect pole spin, that perfect advanced invert, or that perfect extension in the pose. Try to practice taking a breath.  One breath, leads to another, leads to another. Take just a moment to feel compassion and say to yourself…

Just for this breath, I let go of self judgment.

Just for this breath, I am Good Enough.

When do you experience the Demon of Not Good Enough and what sort of weapons of compassion do you use against him? Tell your demon slayer stories in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!