Express The Sensual

I love girls on chairs almost as much as I love girls on poles.  There’s something seriously powerful about watching one of your best friends giving your other best friend a lapdance, just because she can.  In that moment, nobody is worrying about how big or small her ass should be.  Or how her legs compare to [insert championship pole dancer here]. We’re all just enjoying the absolutely carefree playful spirit permeating the room.  We shout dirty jokes as the lapdancer pops her booty in the receivers face until one of them has to “tap out” because she is laughing too damn hard. (NOTE – no pole dancers were harmed in the making of this post.)  And everyone claps in real appreciation as she slides down in the splits and says” TaDa!”

No one critiques her.  No one holds up signs that say 8 or 9.5. No one would even consider saying something negative at a pole party (especially at the fabulous birthday party I went to last night at Siren Fitness.)

The Demon’s Playground?

But when we move this whole experience and rename it from Party to Class, our inner demons surface. Instead of playfulness we become overly serious.  Instead of experimental we become regimental.  Instead of cultivating acceptance of ourselves and our bodies, we become judgmental, critical, and frustrated.

One of the key issues that every teacher struggles with is how to create an environment where woman will let go of all that self judgment.  We use encouragement, positive feedback, and try to teach by example.  Some dance studios encourage Las Vegas Rules, ie what happens in class stays in class.  Students can share generalities and their own experience with their family and friends, but not the names of other students or whether Stacy’s invert is better than Jane’s.

The Big NGE

But in the end, everything still comes down to one woman and her thoughts of being Not Good Enough. And don’t kid yourself, every woman struggles with Not Good Enough.  Even if she has managed to slay this demon, the damn thing usually has babies and no matter how cute and fuzzy they may seem in the beginning, eventually they’ll start sprouting six heads, shark teeth, and menacing poison tipped spikes. (I know this sounds all doom and gloom, but I promise there’s a happy ending…no not THAT kind of happy ending.  Geez!)

You’re Not Alone

I’ve been pole dancing for 10 years, teaching pole for 6 years, taking dance movement classes since I was 12 years old and I still regularly experience Not Good Enough.  In fact, some days it’s all I experience.  I’ll go to class feeling relaxed and ready to experiment, attempt a pole spin I’ve done a million times and totally bomb it.  At this point, I can usually get up, dust myself off, and try again. But by the third try, if I’m still unsuccessful, my NGE Demon will shake itself awake and start snarling at me.  It’s beady red eyes will glow as it says “You’ve got to extend, silly girl! Look at how weak you are? I told you this would happen if you ate that slice of chocolate cake last Saturday!  At least try to point your damn toes and fall gracefully! “

However, for me, the worst of the worst, the nastiest of the nasty, is the Not Good Enough demon from hell that I experience when I’m teaching.  Now, I LOVE teaching.  In fact, I’m working very hard to make teaching movement my full time job.  But when I’m teaching, it is my job to make sure every woman in my class has an awesome experience.  I need to ensure every woman understands the technique we’re working on, the safety issues associated with it, and all the different layers that turn a mechanical movement into a sensual pole spin. I WANT her to have a good time…. but I can’t MAKE her have a good time. Which means whenever a student is struggling with her NGE Demon, I’m struggling with mine.  My Teaching NGE Demon says “Quick, quick!  Help her for goodness sake.  What sort of a teacher are you?  Can’t you see she’s struggling because you didn’t explain it well enough?”

The White Knight Comes to your Rescue

I wish I could tell you that after years and years of pole dance practice, the feeling of being Not Good Enough goes away.  I wish I could tell you that if you conquer the beast once, it will never rear it’s ugly head again.  I WISH I could tell you that, but I can’t.  And I wish I could tell you that some sexy, gallant man is going to ride in at just the right moment, shove a pike into the belly of the demon and whisk you away to a huge castle with a room full of Louboutin shoes.  Instead you’re going to have to learn how to strap on a sword… because You are the White Knight.

The only person who can rescue you from your NGE demon is you.  And here’s the light at the end of the tunnel: Slaying the demon isn’t easy, but it’s does get easier.

Arm Thyself, Sensual Warrior

The number one way I have found to kill the feeling of being Not Good Enough, is Aparigraha.  No, I’m not speaking in tongues, well maybe I am a little. Aparigraha is a concept from Tantric Yoga which basically means non-attachment or non-clinging.  For me, Aparigraha is the cultivation of acceptance that all things in life will change.  All things are ethereal. Today can never be exactly like yesterday and tomorrow doesn’t exist yet.  It means JUST FOR TODAY, let go of the past.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your judgment.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your fantasies for the future (also known as expectations). Because, if you hold on to everything with a death grip, you’ll lose the one ability that makes us alive, the ability to change.

So when the Not Good Enough Demon attacks you, pull out your sword (of compassion) and kill him with kindness. JUST FOR THIS BREATH, accept life without resistance because you still have the power to change. In fact, the world is conspiring with you.  That’s why it promises that this moment in your life won’t be anything like the last one, or anything like the moment before that.

You have the freedom to choose something new every time you take a breath. Instead of judging yourself as Not Good Enough, simply accept that something happened that you didn’t want to happen.  It already happened.  You already lived through it, successfully(!) and now you have more information, more knowledge, more understanding.  Let it go, learn from it, and make a new choice.

Queen of the Compassionate Castle

I know how difficult it is to accept yourself in the heat of frustration, as you fail to achieve that perfect pole spin, that perfect advanced invert, or that perfect extension in the pose. Try to practice taking a breath.  One breath, leads to another, leads to another. Take just a moment to feel compassion and say to yourself…

Just for this breath, I let go of self judgment.

Just for this breath, I am Good Enough.

When do you experience the Demon of Not Good Enough and what sort of weapons of compassion do you use against him? Tell your demon slayer stories in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

I was reading an article from my sweet friend Poleskivvies about how posting videos to Youtube has made her suddenly body conscious and feeling the need for therapy. And I felt compelled to plunk my big ass down on the therapy couch right next to her.

Jennifer says…

“God, how I hate telling you this. Why? Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it. Yea, right.”

Now, you all know how much I love my ass.  I talk about it all the time.  How it used to be bigger, and now it’s a bit smaller, but still rather curvy.  And I freaking love how it makes me feel like a real woman.  Sometimes I even wax poetic about it (although I usually keep most of my ass poems to myself).  But I want to share how I feel about my ass (and my body) when I make a video.  The process goes something like this…

[before making the video]
Yeah! I’m going to make a video tonight.  I’m so excited.  I’ve got my camera and lighting set up.  And a new playlist to help me fly around that pole.  Ready, Set, Go!

[while making the video]
I’m dancing and I don’t care if there’s a camera over there.  Fuck that camera.  I don’t have to post this.  This is for me.

[after making the video]
ooh, that felt so awesome. I can’t wait to watch it.  I want to watch it NOW.

[2 seconds after starting to watch the video]
Jeez.  Why didn’t somebody tell me that I suck.  I mean, seriously, look at my butt.  How many freaking biscuits did I have to eat over the holidays to make my ass look so damn huge.  And that invert was awful.  Dammit.  I knew I wasn’t doing enough ab work lately.  I hate my abs!  They look so mushy.  ugh.  I can’t post this shit.  Forget it.  I’m never making another video again.

At this point in the process, I pretty much hate everything I see

I usually roll my eyes, stand up from my desk in a huff, and go take a shower to calm me down and clean off the sweat from (what I thought before I saw the video) was a great pole session.

And then epiphany, self realization, I kill the Buddha

After the shower, I realize that I just spent 2 hours dancing, flying, twirling, and whirling.  That it felt pretty damn good to challenge myself.  That I love being creative, even if it means messing up an old trick because I’m trying to do something new.  And that I’m definitely going to do all that awesome shit again, because I’m totally fucking addicted to playing on a 9 foot tall metal pole. This is when I watch the video a second time.

[after the epiphany]
Hey, I love the way I transitioned from that new spin into an invert.  I want to practice smoothing that out.  Hmm, I might want to add some more lat and shoulder strengthening moves into my workout to help me accomplish that move.  Damn I love how legwarmers make my thighs look thinner.  Ooh, I got a bit racy at the end when I took my tank top off.  I’d rather cut that part and keep it in the private vault.

A bunch of learning happens

Not everything makes it to the videos I post.  In fact, I have (literally) years worth of video that will never, ever, see the light of a computer monitor because I feel self conscious about my body.  But I love the immediate feedback I get when I watch these videos.  I can use these videos to fix things, discover new movements, and decide how to keep moving my pole dancing practice forward.

But I still have doubts and fears.  Doubts I don’t always talk about, fears I don’t always show.

Society says I’m “supposed” to be a strong woman and maintain a positive body image at all times.  But can I really trust such a conflicting message from a society where a supermodel can be fired by Ralph Loren because she isn’t a size 0 and doesn’t fit into their clothes anymore? Where almost every picture, ad, and poster of a woman we see is colorized, fixed, slimmed, and retouched?

The more playful I become in my pole dancing (and my life) the more I realize that every “should,” every “supposed to,” every “rule” society lays on me is total crap. I’ve lately decided to start testing all these “rules,” sometimes tentatively, sometimes ruthlessly.  I keep the ones that fit around my womanly curves and chuck the ones that don’t.

Rules I’m Chucking

1. I have to make myself beautiful everyday, all day long CHUCKED for (Every woman is beautiful and has the right to look like a Raggedy Ann doll if the situation or her sleep schedule calls for it)
2. I have to be a strong, successful, business woman that kicks ass all day long CHUCKED for (Many woman feel the strongest when they recognize & celebrate what some people might define as weaknesses including wanting to be a mother who takes care of a couple of kiddies instead of kicking ass at work. I certainly do.)
3. I must prove that I’m as good as any man CHUCKED for (No woman has to play a man’s game to be phenomenal.  She doesn’t have to prove her womanhood because she already has the cookie.  No baking required)

So, if you’d like to play along, and chuck a few of society’s rules too, then please join Poleskivvies and me on the Therapy Couch by dancing around on video (or maybe just in your living room) and testing your boundaries…

Because, as Jennifer puts it “Feeling ugly is just too damn exhausting.”

To which I’d like to add “Fuck Yeah!”

How do you deal with your own body image? What Rules are you ready to chuck? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

Kiki wrote: I was wondering about a good solution to hiding cellulite during a performance.  I’ve seen pole dancers wear fishnets and even do advanced moves with them (inversions, etc.)  I would feel better if I had something on my legs.  Any advice?

Dear Kiki,
I totally feel your pain.  I remember when I was 12 and had no idea what cellulite was or that I was doomed to one day look at my legs and literally think “eeewww”

But before I show you some easy ways to reduce the look of cellulite I wanted to take a minute and rant about how The Rules have hurt us (women with cellulite) over the years.

Win the Battle or Lose the War?

Now, I’m not usually the first person to shout “that’s not fair.”  But with cellulite I’m happy to stand on the tallest building and scream my head off for the bullshit of it all. Not because some woman are genetically more likely to have it than others, but simply because I don’t understand why we all hate it so much.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5. ~Roseanne

When did this happen?  I’m pretty sure the cave women didn’t run around worrying if their upper thighs had small lines, blemishes, or random indentations. And yet, today many of us spend millions of dollars on exercise machines, skin creams, and special diets that might – MIGHT- reduce (not get rid of but just reduce) the look of cellulite.

Having cellulite doesn’t mean you are skinny or not, healthy or not, past your prime or not (NOBODY is past their prime in my book).  In fact, almost every woman over 25 I know has some sort of cellulite, somewhere…not because I spend my time inspecting for it, but because every woman I know eventually tells me where it is.  I can be sure that somebody feels comfortable with me after we’ve had the dreaded “so where is your cellulite” conversation.

And even though I don’t believe it’s fair, I can’t help but dislike the look and feel of my own cellulite.  So let’s do ourselves a favor, ladies, and stop thinking of cellulite as something that was our punishment for past sins. In fact, I try to imaging that my cellulite is actually just a couple of cute, but misplaced dimples.  And dimples never bothered anybody (okay, rant over)

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

Fight The Good Fight

So now, how do you deal with your body dimples so that you feel like the sexy, fabulous minx that you are?

Well, I don’t recommend fishnets, simply because they make things much to slippery for pole dancing.  (If you are giving a luscious chair dance however, then ROCK those fishnets until he’s drowning in your nets)

TIP #1

My favorite fishnet alternative is BodyStrings which I wrote about here and here. They are a slip free way to focus attention onto some colorful costume accessories, cover up anything you feel shy about, and make you look HOT HOT HOT.

TIP #2

You can also consider spray on nylons. (I totally just heard you say WTF? Spray on nylons, such as Nyce Legs, are a little know stripper secret that give you just enough extra color to hide or smooth out the look of spider veins, cellulite, or other body dimples.  Strippers also use them to cover up an accidental bruise (a hazard most pole dancers know) or hide small tattoos.

Now I don’t recommend these for daily use, simply because I prefer organic and natural products, but I do have them in my cupboard for performances & showcases.  However, you should test them out first.  Some woman still find them a bit slippery, but they work pretty well for me as long as I make sure they are very dry before curtain time.

TIP #3

My last tip is probably my favorite however.  Did you know that the look of cellulite INCREASES whenever you tighten the muscles of your butt or thighs. Walk yourself over to a mirror and take a look as you flex the area you are worried about.  You’ll see what I mean.

So, if you simply practice your pole and exotic dance moves while keeping your ass relaxed, nobody will ever know you’ve got such cute body dimples.  Plus, if you always keep a slight bend in the leg (instead of flexing your leg) facing your audience, the skin on your thighs will stay nice and taut.

And finally, make sure to always point your toes whenever you bend at the hips. Actually, always, always point your toes while dancing PLEASE. (Flexing instead of pointing, which we call PORN FOOT in my classes, is one of my major pet peeves) Pointing your feet causes an extension of the lower calf and stretches the muscles making your legs look, long, strong, and down to get the friction on (courtesy of Sir Mix A Lot)

So, you’ve got lots of options to help you resolve those sweet body dimples, but just remember…

There’s nothing wrong with you, EXACTLY as you are.

The most beautiful view is the one you share with me. ~Author Unknown

Is beauty a battle for you? How do you remind yourself of how beautiful you are? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!