Express The Sensual

Okay, it’s time for me to make a confession.  I LOVE giving a lapdance to a deserving guy.  But, I used to have a terrible time finding anyone who was willing to volunteer for the role of lap. Seriously, I couldn’t get a man to smile at me, let alone ask me out for coffee.   I would wander around looking at all the happy couples cooing and cuddling with each other and feel isolated, rejected, and confused.

I constantly questioned why I was always alone. And usually ended up blaming some random body part.  ‘Oh my butt is too big’ (it’s not). Oh my hips are too wide’ (they aren’t). ‘Oh my toes are too stubbly.’ (I was pretty upset by the time I got to my toes

What I didn’t recognize was that somewhere along the way, I had started taking dating advice from Red Sonja.

In case you didn’t grow up in the early 1980’s, Red Sonja is this KickAss swordswoman who has to save the world from an evil Queen and her all-powerful talisman.  And, to make matters worse, she’s got horrible script dialog and Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sidekick. (they call him Kalidor in the movie, but Arnold really only knows how to play the part of Arnold) So, to ensure that she doesn’t give away her cookie to any old Warrior King, Red Sonja vows that she’ll never give herself to a man unless he can beat her in a fair fight.

I thought this made perfect sense.  If I followed this rule, then any guy I’m willing to date has got to be at least as strong, smart, funny, healthy, successful, etc as me.  If he passes the test and proves all that, then I can be sure he’s worth a little lap bump and booty grind.  Right?

WRONG!

Testing men and treating then like an opponent was ruining both Sonja’s and my love life.  And totally screwing up my chances of ever practicing my blossoming exotic dance skills on a real live man.  I was beheading every potential lapdance partner before he even got a chance to sit down. (pun intended for all you adults out there)

Here’s Sonja and my problem stated, oh so eloquently, by the big brute with the bulging biceps after he learns of Sonja’s vow;

“So, the only man that can have you, is one who is trying to kill you. Hmm, that’s logic.” – Kalidor the Warrior King

Yes, ladies.  That’s sarcasm from the Governor of California.  Surprise!

If we assume an aggressive stance to dating, relationships, and lapdancing, then the only men we’ll having in our chairs will be overbearing, controlling assholes. (And personally, I prefer to avoid the jerks and power hounds whenever possible) Plus, if a nice man manages to slip under the barbed wire we put around our hearts and sits into a chair hoping for a little lovin’… our defenses will automatically kick in.  He’ll probably end up feeling like has to constantly battle for our affection. (I actually had a guy call me a Vengeful Vagina once.  That did NOT go over well.)

But rejoice warrior women! Red Sonja’s co-stars have the solution!  And this is the truth ladies, because once I figured this out, I went from no dates EVER, to meeting 3 or 4 men with lapdancing potential every week. Good men. Men that I really enjoyed talking and hanging out with.  I didn’t date them all, but I made a lot of friends and my phone was buzzing like a hornet’s nest for months.

Red Sonja’s Swordmaster warns: “Hatred of men in a lovely young woman… Such could be your downfall. You must learn to like men a little better” And Prince Tarn questions Red Sonja’s motives: “Why does she fight so hard? She doesn’t want to win.”

(I told you the script dialog was *awesome* right?)

Remember, it’s a waste of time and energy to beat men at their own game.  Screw their games.  I don’t want to play ‘who has the bigger penis’ anyway. Men aren’t the enemy! Life doesn’t have to be a Battle of the Sexes.

Once you move men out of the “opponent” category they will transform into a cherished companion. (It’s magically delicious!) It’s so much easier to smile at a man when you don’t require a battle plan first. (as long as they aren’t drooling assholes) Welcome the opportunity to be with someone who wants to share and grow with you… sensually, authentically, and joyfully. You might find that they surprise you by being caring, loving, individuals that want the same adventures in life that you do.  Including an awesome lapdance!

So, once you have him, what do you do with him?…. Read part 2 of ‘How to Give a Lapdance without Beheading Your Partner’

PS – Red Sonja is being remade with Rose McGowan (Warrior Woman Kick ASS!)

How did you meet your favorite Lapdance partner? Or are you currently holding auditions for the role of LAP? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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I swear a lot in this post and talk straight up about stripping, so if you don’t like that kind of stuff, then just read this instead.

In case you didn’t know already, I’ve got a soft spot for real strippers.  And not just because they created the rich and beautiful art form that I love (pole & exotic dance)… But also because a real stripper understands an honest days work, just like you do.

Consider exactly what a stripper does…

in corporate lingo…

A stripper provides immediate value to her customers upfront (by dancing on that huge stage FOR FREE). Then, she uses her communication skills (both verbal and non-verbal) to actually get paid for a private consultation (otherwise known as a lapdance).  She has to pay 20% of her commision for the meeting room (or lap dancing booth) before she gets to use it. And another 10-15% for job security (also known as the Bouncer) before she walks out the front door to go home.

She doesn’t get a salary, health insurance, or even the promise of a job waiting for her tomorrow.  And she still has to pay taxes on every penny she makes.  Plus, she completes the entire transaction while exposing more skin than most of us are willing to bare at the beach on a hot summer day.

A real stripper knows that her 9pm – 3am job has the same fundamental principles as your daily grind… She just words them a little differently.  (BTW, these are real tips that I learned from real strippers.  I did not make them up)

Don’t Eat the Free Food in the Back

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely hate the cheap, disgusting food that most companies provides to their employees to lure them into all those boring meetings.  But even worse, I often wonder if everybody washed their hands before sticking them in the communal bowl of M&Ms or “fresh” biscuits.  This is a particularly sticky situation for a stripper.  The smart ones bring their own lollipops or licorice ropes and never, ever, EVER eat food left out at the club. (eeewwww!)

Watch Out for Flying Shoes

Look, it happens.  Newbie strippers love to wear 7 inch platform heels without an ankle strap… and sometimes, if you point your toe just right, it’ll fly off and smack somebody in the face.  Sometimes it even happens accidentally on purpose (ie don’t piss off a stripper).  So, just like you, strippers learn from the stupid shit their coworkers do in front of the customers and the boss… and don’t repeat those mistakes. Because when you piss off the customer, you don’t get tips.  Of course, the whole club will laugh their ass off.  But I promise, it seriously hurts to remove a spike heel from your forehead.

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” ~LaoTzu

(PS – as a pole dancer you already know that you should always dance in shoes with ankle straps right? Oh good!)

Always Tip the Bouncer

If you want to stay healthy then you need good health insurance, and you’re going to have to pay for it. The Bouncer is the closest thing a stripper has to a health plan and she knows it’s important to keep him happy.  A smart stripper makes sure that the Bouncer is her BFF, so he’ll work hard to keep her safe.  When you don’t tip your bouncer, you’ll still get health coverage, but it’s usually slow, inefficient, and you’ll end up having to kick someones ass with your platform shoes (see tip above).

Avoid the Two for One Discount

At least once a night, almost every strip club has a two for one special.  That means if a customer buys one lapdance, he gets a second one for free. (A blue light special in the red light district?) However, what you may not realize is when a real stripper hears the DJ make this announcement, she instantly decides to take a break.  She believes in her skills and knows that her expertise are valuable (just like your KICK-ASS skills as an engineer, HR manager, or soccer mom). So unless she’s got a guy who’s going to buy three or more dances and doesn’t smell like he was dipped in cheap tequila, this just isn’t worth her time.

Put On an Original Show

The fastest way to get your ass kicked by a gang of angry strippers is to steal everybody else’s pole & exotic dance tricks.  Imitation is not flattery in a strip club, it’s just plain stupid. Every real stripper knows that she is one of a kind, just like you. Her regular customers show up to see her signature moves and new customers will pick her out from all the other dancers because her performance is original.  She builds her business and her social interactions by the creative use of her strengths, whether they are her spinning helicopter, her ass, or her witty repartee.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~LaoTzu

If You Don’t Like Stripping, Get the Fuck Off the Stage

Stripping isn’t for everybody.  It takes a special kind of woman to get up on a pole, dance in front of strangers, and convince them to throw money at her.  It doesn’t mean she’s an exhibitionist (I’ve met plenty of strippers that are really very shy).  It doesn’t mean she’s dumb (think of how much a marketing executive gets paid to network with clients using only his communication skills).  And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have dreams for her future (serious strippers work 5 days a week to pay for college or start their own business).

But, like any other successful woman, a real stripper knows that if she doesn’t enjoy at least some parts of her job, then she’ll just end up sabotaging her own success. She continuously challenges herself to improve her dancing skills, make an extra hundred bucks, or even win exotic dance competitions.  And she looks damn sexy doing it!

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~LaoTzu

I’m not saying we should all go out and be strippers (because this would seriously piss them off and I don’t need to be stripper whipped with a pair of red thigh high boots).  I’m saying that real strippers have a wisdom of their own.

So, the next time you visit a strip club, pay your respects, and remember to tip your dancer!

How do you connect with the history of exotic dance? Do you think dancing can be zen? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Quiver, mantrap, rosebud, jewel, cake, snatch, artichoke, venus mound, sugar basin, clamshell.

How many ways are there to describe the female sex organs? Literally hundreds! I have a whole book filled with awesome dirty words and I promise not to repeat the same one twice.

But why do we feel it’s necessary to hide behind innuendo and misdirection when all we are really trying to say is vagina, labia, clitoris, and vulva.  Shit, I use these words so infrequently that I actually had to look up the correct spelling.  Why does our current culture still pretend that woman are Barbie dolls with big boobs, no hips, and a smooth crease of absolutely nothing between our legs?

I think it’s my fault.

Seriously….I take responsibility for this.

In my past, I have encouraged men to think of my nooky as a snapping turtle that only a highly trained (and well paid) anthropologist is ever going to get near enough to identify.  I perpetrated the falsehood that my hoochie was an illusive and possibly imaginary beast, separate from me, running wild and free in the background of some tampon commercial. But I can assure you, MY YUM YUM IS NOT A SOFT WHITE BUNNY bounding through endless fields of lush green grass swaying in the gentle breeze, under a soothing blue sky!

Then to add insult to this injury, I bought into the falsehood that I needed to retrain this unicorn (read as shy, horny beast) into a flaming POWER PUSSY!

Able to climb tall poles! Soar through the air! And blind men with my pure sexuality!

While still retaining that ridiculous separation between my real self and the sexy stripper minx that could only emerge from my honeypot when I stood next to a pole.  What kind of secret identity is that?!

Knock. Knock. Hello? It’s reality at the door and she wants her money back.

If you really believe that you and your yoni are separate but equal, do yourself a favor and stop drinking the Kool aide. Your diddle is not a carnival that only comes in to town when the moon is full. It’s always with you and more importantly, it’s a part of you. It’s not a disembodied piece of flesh floating around in space.  You decide whether it gathers dust on a shelf or has three shows nightly.  And you don’t need a pole to put on a show… or to express your inherent sensuality.

In fact, you don’t need to do anything at all.  SURPRISE! If you are a real woman (and since you’ve read this far, I’m willing to bet that you are) then trying to hide your feminine sexuality is a complete waste of time. You can’t have a gold encrusted phantom penis no matter how hard you try to grow one.  You’re not fooling anyone and it’s kind of painful to watch.  So STOP!

Remember, Barbie dolls and their unmarked plastic crotches are for make believe. Plus, they already sell fleshlights online, so don’t bother trying to hide your sexuality in your pocket. It’s just going to wriggle out at the worst (or best) possible moment anyway.

Embody and enjoy your feminine power. Share you understanding and compassion with your sisters and friends. Teach the men in your life and in “polite” society  that your beautiful shiny box is nothing to be afraid of.  It’s where we keep all the fun stuff.

One in the hand is worth two in the bush OR Get your mind out of the gutter, it’s blocking my view.

Whats your favorite slang word for alpha and omega? How do you integrate your sexuality into your personality? Share your ideas in the comment section!

If you enjoyed the article, please subscribe to ExpressTheSensual.com and share it with your friends using the Share & Enjoy social bookmarking sites. Thank you for your support!