Express The Sensual

I was reading an article from my sweet friend Poleskivvies about how posting videos to Youtube has made her suddenly body conscious and feeling the need for therapy. And I felt compelled to plunk my big ass down on the therapy couch right next to her.

Jennifer says…

“God, how I hate telling you this. Why? Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it. Yea, right.”

Now, you all know how much I love my ass.  I talk about it all the time.  How it used to be bigger, and now it’s a bit smaller, but still rather curvy.  And I freaking love how it makes me feel like a real woman.  Sometimes I even wax poetic about it (although I usually keep most of my ass poems to myself).  But I want to share how I feel about my ass (and my body) when I make a video.  The process goes something like this…

[before making the video]
Yeah! I’m going to make a video tonight.  I’m so excited.  I’ve got my camera and lighting set up.  And a new playlist to help me fly around that pole.  Ready, Set, Go!

[while making the video]
I’m dancing and I don’t care if there’s a camera over there.  Fuck that camera.  I don’t have to post this.  This is for me.

[after making the video]
ooh, that felt so awesome. I can’t wait to watch it.  I want to watch it NOW.

[2 seconds after starting to watch the video]
Jeez.  Why didn’t somebody tell me that I suck.  I mean, seriously, look at my butt.  How many freaking biscuits did I have to eat over the holidays to make my ass look so damn huge.  And that invert was awful.  Dammit.  I knew I wasn’t doing enough ab work lately.  I hate my abs!  They look so mushy.  ugh.  I can’t post this shit.  Forget it.  I’m never making another video again.

At this point in the process, I pretty much hate everything I see

I usually roll my eyes, stand up from my desk in a huff, and go take a shower to calm me down and clean off the sweat from (what I thought before I saw the video) was a great pole session.

And then epiphany, self realization, I kill the Buddha

After the shower, I realize that I just spent 2 hours dancing, flying, twirling, and whirling.  That it felt pretty damn good to challenge myself.  That I love being creative, even if it means messing up an old trick because I’m trying to do something new.  And that I’m definitely going to do all that awesome shit again, because I’m totally fucking addicted to playing on a 9 foot tall metal pole. This is when I watch the video a second time.

[after the epiphany]
Hey, I love the way I transitioned from that new spin into an invert.  I want to practice smoothing that out.  Hmm, I might want to add some more lat and shoulder strengthening moves into my workout to help me accomplish that move.  Damn I love how legwarmers make my thighs look thinner.  Ooh, I got a bit racy at the end when I took my tank top off.  I’d rather cut that part and keep it in the private vault.

A bunch of learning happens

Not everything makes it to the videos I post.  In fact, I have (literally) years worth of video that will never, ever, see the light of a computer monitor because I feel self conscious about my body.  But I love the immediate feedback I get when I watch these videos.  I can use these videos to fix things, discover new movements, and decide how to keep moving my pole dancing practice forward.

But I still have doubts and fears.  Doubts I don’t always talk about, fears I don’t always show.

Society says I’m “supposed” to be a strong woman and maintain a positive body image at all times.  But can I really trust such a conflicting message from a society where a supermodel can be fired by Ralph Loren because she isn’t a size 0 and doesn’t fit into their clothes anymore? Where almost every picture, ad, and poster of a woman we see is colorized, fixed, slimmed, and retouched?

The more playful I become in my pole dancing (and my life) the more I realize that every “should,” every “supposed to,” every “rule” society lays on me is total crap. I’ve lately decided to start testing all these “rules,” sometimes tentatively, sometimes ruthlessly.  I keep the ones that fit around my womanly curves and chuck the ones that don’t.

Rules I’m Chucking

1. I have to make myself beautiful everyday, all day long CHUCKED for (Every woman is beautiful and has the right to look like a Raggedy Ann doll if the situation or her sleep schedule calls for it)
2. I have to be a strong, successful, business woman that kicks ass all day long CHUCKED for (Many woman feel the strongest when they recognize & celebrate what some people might define as weaknesses including wanting to be a mother who takes care of a couple of kiddies instead of kicking ass at work. I certainly do.)
3. I must prove that I’m as good as any man CHUCKED for (No woman has to play a man’s game to be phenomenal.  She doesn’t have to prove her womanhood because she already has the cookie.  No baking required)

So, if you’d like to play along, and chuck a few of society’s rules too, then please join Poleskivvies and me on the Therapy Couch by dancing around on video (or maybe just in your living room) and testing your boundaries…

Because, as Jennifer puts it “Feeling ugly is just too damn exhausting.”

To which I’d like to add “Fuck Yeah!”

How do you deal with your own body image? What Rules are you ready to chuck? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

Today I was reminded of how critical it is to pay attention to all the stuff you actually give a shit about.  Otherwise you miss all the phenomenal experiences that life is trying to give you. (because sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what YOU care about when your boss, your peers, and the TV are demanding you do totally different things) So how do you know what is really important and what’s just bullshit?

I started my day off by sharing this on Facebook:

I’m going to quietly grmble in my cubicle this morning. :S (I couldn’t even manage to spell “grumble”)

…and ended it by celebrating an evening filled with stable inverted pressaways.  YIPEE!

When I sat down at my desk at 8am today, I was pissed off, frustrated, depressed, and absolutely, completely, totally stuck.  I felt trapped by my own life and so very tired of struggling to understand why, why, why I couldn’t stop cockblocking my own success (yes, I know I don’t have a cock and I wasn’t trying to get laid, but just go with me here).  I was disappointed that I wasn’t meeting my daily writing quota (I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year), that I hadn’t posted anything to this blog or my other blog in 5 or 6 days, and that I kept falling asleep in my cubicle (at 8am in the morning!) because I was so fucking exhausted.

So what the hell do you do when when you keep hitting the same wall of frustration over and over again?  What do you do when you’re seriously stuck in a funk and can’t shake loose?

First, stop trying to use logic to get out of it. If logic was going to work, you’d have found the answer days, weeks, or months ago…

You need an inspiration!

Luckily, you already have a phenomenal technique to create an AHA moment…

All you need is to get your conscious mind to go to sleep and give your creative muse a safe place to explore. Meaning you’ve got to shed some of those layers of assumptions, baggage, and bullshit that you gathered as a grownup…Give your inner child a game to play.. And show her an awesome playground preferably with a jungle gym.   Psst THIS IS WHERE POLE DANCING COMES INTO THE PICTURE.

Your Body In Motion…

Drive home from work, stumble in the front door, banish everyone from the pole room for at least 20 minutes, throw on the playlist that exemplifies your emotional funk, and peel away your inhibitions.

Pick music that makes you feel grumpy, or sad, or predatory… but only if you actually feel that way.  Don’t change out of your work clothes. STRIP out of your work clothes.  Let each layer of your emotional wall disappear as each song disappears.

Ride the wave of your own anger, your own sadness, your own angst until you can’t tell the difference between the beat of the drum and the beat of your heart. (see that upside down lady on the right with the goofy happy smile… THAT’S ME!)

Once you feel your energy start to wane, allow you body to slow down.  Let the new wave of exhaustion set in as your dance moves away from the pole and onto the floor.  Until finally there is only your breath.

Your Body At Rest…

Inhale that next breath, get out your journal (or a piece of paper) and write the answer to these four questions. They are designed to pull the answers to any difficult problem out of your own unconscious mind.  (PS – I’ve included my own answers but not the secret decoder ring, so if anything seems cryptic that’s because my muse likes to speak in alien languages)

Q1:  What do I need right now?

My Answer: Sleep glorious sleep and to stop pushing myself.  To stop second guessing and ignoring my own desires, wants, and opinions.  Because all I’m doing is wasting energy by “should”ing all over myself (shoulding is  when you tell yourself that you “should, must, have to” do something instead of allowing yourself to consciously choose). I work for 9hrs and come home full of resistance. I don’t feel like working on any of my real passions until I can drain that resistance away.

Q2.  What are the things in my life that feel right, that feel easy, that feel like me?

My Answer: my five wishes, my writing career, spending time with J, writing fiction, writing sensually, writing erotica, connecting to my passions through ExpressTheSensual, pole dancing, reading, working with JBT, hanging out with the important people that I care about, feeling love, feeling truth, feeling and expressing my freedom to choose my life and my reality with each breath, to know and experience this moment exactly as it is…

Q3.  What are the things in my life that feel wrong, that feel hard, that don’t feel like me?

My Answer: driving to work, engineering, aerospace, my day job, being a tech writer, worrying about NOT writing, listening to the people that tell me I need to do this – buy that – believe in their miracle product or end up being a dumb ignorant jackass, feeling like a coward, feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING right now, guilt for doing it wrong, guilt for not doing it before, guilt, guilt, guilt.

Q4. What do I forget to tell myself?

My Answer: That even if I feel like I should do everything, I really don’t need to do everything. That I can just let go of all the shit that I don’t want and spend my precious time, energy, and joy building my reality around all the awesome shit that I do want. To focus on my passion and my purpose.  To know that I have a choice and that I have the ability to choose differently as each moment arrives.  Then, my path will stop feeling sticky and I’ll stop feeling trapped.  (At this point angels descended, birds sang, and an intense desire to dance again hit me)

It is your work in life that is the ultimate seduction.” –Picasso

AHA!

Try this and you’ll discover what I did.  Your REAL PRIORITIES will suddenly be laid out in front of you in such vivid detail that you can’t ignore them anymore. Accept what is critical to you and then make that the most important part of your day.

Don’t just write down the essentials of your answer. Don’t just pay them lip service. Make choices that reflect YOUR priorities. Define your goals and believe in them.

A good friend once told me “Don’t die with your music still in you!”  Break down your walls by listening to your passions. Discover your bare essentials, and share your rapture with the world.

PS…these questions were inspired by a post by Havi Brooks, who you should be reading if you love kooky, fun, and awesome all rolled into one lady…and her duck Selma. Share your ideas in the comment section!

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photo by VDFmotion

Lapdancing, it’s the mysterious private show that happens [booming announcer voice] BEHIND THE WALL in the VIP strip club.  It’s also one of my absolute favorite types of exotic dance.

I’m going to share my secret weapons with you that can help you give a tantalizing, mesmerizing, sensual lapdance.  But first, I want to demystify a few things.  Because giving a great lapdance isn’t as much about a following a set of rules as it is about making the choices that turn you and your partner on.

Lapdancing does not require a special chair

Lazyboy or a recliner; arms or no arms; chair, couch, or bed.  It really doesn’t matter what kind of seating arrangement you choose as long as it’s sturdy enough to hold the weight of two people.  The key point here is that lapdancing requires a LAP and that’s all. (Just check the name if you are fuzzy on this one)

Lapdancing does not require special clothes

You choose how much skin to bare.  You choose when to bare it (or not to bare it at all.) You choose something that makes YOU feel both comfortable and sexy (I said both and I meant both) Do NOT wear a sexy mini-dress and sparkly black knee-high boots unless YOU love them. (and I do)

Lapdancing does not require your corporate weapons, electronic gadgets, or medieval swords & daggers.

Don’t put your BlackBerry on stun–Turn it OFF! (No it’s NOT a good makeshift vibrator) Leave everything in the kitchen that doesn’t accentuate your sensual nature.  Because anything that might take away from you, is just an annoying distraction. YOU are the main event.

Choose a Damn HOT Song

Pick a song that makes your body move. Something that gives you chills and drops you into a luscious state of sensual expression.  Use music that makes your mind and body tingle with excitement. And as long as your partner doesn’t find the song annoying, you can bet he’ll be tingling too.

I like it by Moby Choke me, spank me, pull my hair by Xzbit

Choose a Playful OR KickAss Attitude

I say OR because this is your show.  If you feel sweet and cute and giggly, then be the nice MaryAnn that makes your man ache to brush the hair from your face.  If you feel strong and sexual and powerful, then be the naughty Ginger that brings all the boys to the yard. Just remember that your partner is a companion not your opponent.  Your first lapdance is probably not the time to act out any tie-him-up, tie-him-down fantasies (not without his permission anyway).

Choose a LAP willing to play your game

Communicate everything you need to ensure this dance is fun for both of you. For example, if you don’t want to be touched, ask your partner to sit on his hands.  If you want him to stay quiet, let him know that you’ll only respond to the words “mmm” and “oohhh” for the duration of the dance.  Remember, you WANT to turn him on, so don’t be so strict that you cut off his passion (no beheadings, please!)

So, with all those choices, what’s the magic key to unlock his desires and make a man beg for buttermilk (uh, I mean ask for another lapdance)…

The secret is to Tease him to the edge with the Promise of Desire and (perhaps) the Passion of Fullfillment.

Build excitement with titillation.  Provoke him with sensation and your determination to almost touch.  Almost touch his lips, almost touch his neck, almost touch his inner thigh.  This lapdance is about making your own choices, accepting your own power, and using it to build a deeper connection with your partner.  It’s personal.  It’s private. And it’s sexual.

It’s as easy as 1-2-3-4

1.  Slide up to the LAP
Whether you walk or crawl, sinuously find your way to his lap.  Take your time.  Meander.  There’s no rush when your focus is the tease.  Once you get there, nudge (not shove) his legs open by sliding your knee between his knees and then step into the gap.

2.  Warm up to the LAP
Use slow, luxurious Hurricane Hips or your favorite pelvic circles to get both of you in the mood.  Throw in some booty popping for good measure (using his legs to substitute for a chair back) and taunt him with a Just Missed Kiss.

Just Missed Kiss – drop your eyes to his lips and act like you are going to kiss him. Get so close to his lips that he can feel your soft breath and then, just miss. Divert your lips to one side and slide your cheek along his face. (Oops, better luck next time. Teehee)

3.  Change the view
Turning around while maintaing your hypnotic movement can be a bit tricky, especially if you are wearing a sexy pair of 6 in heels.  Ignore the temptation to throw one leg over his head.  Knocking his block off will seriously fuck up the mood (and you promised you wouldn’t behead him, remember) Instead try an Ocho or a Model Turn.

Ocho – cross your right foot over you left and slowly pivot on the balls of your feet. Let your right hip draw a semicircle until your tushy is directly in front of his face. (location, location, location!) Model Turn - shifting your weight from right foot to left foot while rotating your body 1/4 turn until you are facing away from him. To keep him mesmerized, continue rolling and circling your hips as you turn. (aahh, Houdini would be proud and asking for an encore)

4. Melt into the LAP
Being careful of his dangly bits, sit (yep, sit) directly onto his thighs.  Please, PLEASE, DONT HOVER. (your partner isn’t a public toilet) Lean back into him, giving him both the sensation of warmth from your body and the view of your lovely curves.  Now it’s time for the Shiver Giver.

Shiver Giver – Run your fingertips up his legs (outside for nice girls or inside for naughty girls), his arms, or along his neckline using a the tips of your fingers and a soft side to side motion. As if you were drawing a wave of pleasure on his skin. Instead of thinking “she’s touching me,” he’ll be thinking “Oh God, I hope she touches me there.”

At this point, you’re on your own.  I’m sure it’ll all end with a bang.  (oh my gosh, did I just say that? — Yes, yes I did)

Have you ever given a lapdance, why or why not?  What’s your favorite lapdancing outfit? Share your ideas in the comment section!

Did you read pt 1 of this series?… Find your perfect LAP here!

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