Last night, I put on my thigh high zebra socks, a teeny tiny skirt and matching triangle bikini top.  I slid and dragged, lifted and popped, circled and shook — until the air shimmered with my warm breath.  The room was dark, tinged with red.  The music was heavy, beating with the rhythm of the earth and my heart.  The pole was shiny and glorious, as it should be.

The rest of the world fell away.  No more worries.  No more bills.  No more work.  No more drama or bullshit.  Just me and the heat of the moment.

The where, the when, the how, and especially the why — don’t apply anymore.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This is my time to tease life into being. A time when my body knows exactly what to do and my brain disappears in mindless movement.  It’s my time to be a woman filled with soft thoughts.  To be a rocker chick who just needs to shake her hair.  Eventually, time disappears, lost in translation between body, soul, and dance.

I let my toes drag and take a step, shifting my weight to settle against the walls.  Slowly, slowly, letting my body drip down to the floor.  I move along every surface, letting my fingers barely touch the edges.  I paint the room with my essence and settle into my true self.  It feels as if the dance becomes me and we disappear into each other.

Sensual dance arouses your true self out of it’s logic bound cage.

You feel compelled to explore the world around you, though sensation, through experience, through sound and motion.  Without the prison of thought, life becomes an infinite moment extending out for eternity, with the joy of your senses to guide you step by step.  You realize that you can’t force your sensual nature, you must tease and tickle it, hold it in rapture with a nuzzle and a wink.  If you are willing, you can open your body to the dark places in order to find the light within.  It’s hiding because it likes to play, counting the moments until you find it, with a delicious pounce and a barrage of giggles.

You can’t depend on someone else to discover your sensual self.

It’s a game where nobody but you knows the rules.

Anyone can show you the technique. Anyone can demonstrate the trick. Anyone can direct your body and guide your thoughts…. but only you can accept the emotions that arise.  The power of life is to show you the puzzle and ask if you wish to solve it.  It takes courage to embrace and accept every part of your true self because there will always be parts that you don’t know…. yet.

You can’t know the future.  You can only see the glimmer of your soul when you let go of the past, and give in to the full experience of this moment.

What are you waiting for?

This is your personal invitation to dance, to live, to beckon and blow kisses in the wind, to tease the world until it gives you exactly what you want.

It’s time to throw on your silky thigh high nylons, your red heels, or nothing at all and wink back.   It’s time to dance, NOW!

How do you tap into your sensual nature & what does it feel like? Please share your opinions in the comment section.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

I was reading an article from my sweet friend Poleskivvies about how posting videos to Youtube has made her suddenly body conscious and feeling the need for therapy. And I felt compelled to plunk my big ass down on the therapy couch right next to her.

Jennifer says…

“God, how I hate telling you this. Why? Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it. Yea, right.”

Now, you all know how much I love my ass.  I talk about it all the time.  How it used to be bigger, and now it’s a bit smaller, but still rather curvy.  And I freaking love how it makes me feel like a real woman.  Sometimes I even wax poetic about it (although I usually keep most of my ass poems to myself).  But I want to share how I feel about my ass (and my body) when I make a video.  The process goes something like this…

[before making the video]
Yeah! I’m going to make a video tonight.  I’m so excited.  I’ve got my camera and lighting set up.  And a new playlist to help me fly around that pole.  Ready, Set, Go!

[while making the video]
I’m dancing and I don’t care if there’s a camera over there.  Fuck that camera.  I don’t have to post this.  This is for me.

[after making the video]
ooh, that felt so awesome. I can’t wait to watch it.  I want to watch it NOW.

[2 seconds after starting to watch the video]
Jeez.  Why didn’t somebody tell me that I suck.  I mean, seriously, look at my butt.  How many freaking biscuits did I have to eat over the holidays to make my ass look so damn huge.  And that invert was awful.  Dammit.  I knew I wasn’t doing enough ab work lately.  I hate my abs!  They look so mushy.  ugh.  I can’t post this shit.  Forget it.  I’m never making another video again.

At this point in the process, I pretty much hate everything I see

I usually roll my eyes, stand up from my desk in a huff, and go take a shower to calm me down and clean off the sweat from (what I thought before I saw the video) was a great pole session.

And then epiphany, self realization, I kill the Buddha

After the shower, I realize that I just spent 2 hours dancing, flying, twirling, and whirling.  That it felt pretty damn good to challenge myself.  That I love being creative, even if it means messing up an old trick because I’m trying to do something new.  And that I’m definitely going to do all that awesome shit again, because I’m totally fucking addicted to playing on a 9 foot tall metal pole. This is when I watch the video a second time.

[after the epiphany]
Hey, I love the way I transitioned from that new spin into an invert.  I want to practice smoothing that out.  Hmm, I might want to add some more lat and shoulder strengthening moves into my workout to help me accomplish that move.  Damn I love how legwarmers make my thighs look thinner.  Ooh, I got a bit racy at the end when I took my tank top off.  I’d rather cut that part and keep it in the private vault.

A bunch of learning happens

Not everything makes it to the videos I post.  In fact, I have (literally) years worth of video that will never, ever, see the light of a computer monitor because I feel self conscious about my body.  But I love the immediate feedback I get when I watch these videos.  I can use these videos to fix things, discover new movements, and decide how to keep moving my pole dancing practice forward.

But I still have doubts and fears.  Doubts I don’t always talk about, fears I don’t always show.

Society says I’m “supposed” to be a strong woman and maintain a positive body image at all times.  But can I really trust such a conflicting message from a society where a supermodel can be fired by Ralph Loren because she isn’t a size 0 and doesn’t fit into their clothes anymore? Where almost every picture, ad, and poster of a woman we see is colorized, fixed, slimmed, and retouched?

The more playful I become in my pole dancing (and my life) the more I realize that every “should,” every “supposed to,” every “rule” society lays on me is total crap. I’ve lately decided to start testing all these “rules,” sometimes tentatively, sometimes ruthlessly.  I keep the ones that fit around my womanly curves and chuck the ones that don’t.

Rules I’m Chucking

1. I have to make myself beautiful everyday, all day long CHUCKED for (Every woman is beautiful and has the right to look like a Raggedy Ann doll if the situation or her sleep schedule calls for it)
2. I have to be a strong, successful, business woman that kicks ass all day long CHUCKED for (Many woman feel the strongest when they recognize & celebrate what some people might define as weaknesses including wanting to be a mother who takes care of a couple of kiddies instead of kicking ass at work. I certainly do.)
3. I must prove that I’m as good as any man CHUCKED for (No woman has to play a man’s game to be phenomenal.  She doesn’t have to prove her womanhood because she already has the cookie.  No baking required)

So, if you’d like to play along, and chuck a few of society’s rules too, then please join Poleskivvies and me on the Therapy Couch by dancing around on video (or maybe just in your living room) and testing your boundaries…

Because, as Jennifer puts it “Feeling ugly is just too damn exhausting.”

To which I’d like to add “Fuck Yeah!”

How do you deal with your own body image? What Rules are you ready to chuck? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

I started my day off by sharing this on Facebook:

I’m going to quietly grmble in my cubicle this morning. :S (I couldn’t even manage to spell “grumble”)

…and ended it by celebrating an evening filled with stable inverted pressaways.  YIPEE!

When I sat down at my desk at 8am today, I was pissed off, frustrated, depressed, and absolutely, completely, totally stuck.  I felt trapped by my own life and so very tired of struggling to understand why, why, why I couldn’t stop cockblocking my own success (yes, I know I don’t have a cock and I wasn’t trying to get laid, but just go with me here).  I was disappointed that I wasn’t meeting my daily writing quota (I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year), that I hadn’t posted anything to this blog or my other blog in 5 or 6 days, and that I kept falling asleep in my cubicle (at 8am in the morning!) because I was so fucking exhausted.

So what the hell do you do when when you keep hitting the same wall of frustration over and over again?  What do you do when you’re seriously stuck in a funk and can’t shake loose?

First, stop trying to use logic to get out of it. If logic was going to work, you’d have found the answer days, weeks, or months ago…

You need an inspiration!

Luckily, you already have a phenomenal technique to create an AHA moment…

All you need is to get your conscious mind to go to sleep and give your creative muse a safe place to explore. Meaning you’ve got to shed some of those layers of assumptions, baggage, and bullshit that you gathered as a grownup…Give your inner child a game to play.. And show her an awesome playground preferably with a jungle gym.   Psst THIS IS WHERE POLE DANCING COMES INTO THE PICTURE.

Your Body In Motion…

Drive home from work, stumble in the front door, banish everyone from the pole room for at least 20 minutes, throw on the playlist that exemplifies your emotional funk, and peel away your inhibitions.

Pick music that makes you feel grumpy, or sad, or predatory… but only if you actually feel that way.  Don’t change out of your work clothes. STRIP out of your work clothes.  Let each layer of your emotional wall disappear as each song disappears.

Ride the wave of your own anger, your own sadness, your own angst until you can’t tell the difference between the beat of the drum and the beat of your heart. (see that upside down lady on the right with the goofy happy smile… THAT’S ME!)

Once you feel your energy start to wane, allow you body to slow down.  Let the new wave of exhaustion set in as your dance moves away from the pole and onto the floor.  Until finally there is only your breath.

Your Body At Rest…

Inhale that next breath, get out your journal (or a piece of paper) and write the answer to these four questions. They are designed to pull the answers to any difficult problem out of your own unconscious mind.  (PS – I’ve included my own answers but not the secret decoder ring, so if anything seems cryptic that’s because my muse likes to speak in alien languages)

Q1:  What do I need right now?

My Answer: Sleep glorious sleep and to stop pushing myself.  To stop second guessing and ignoring my own desires, wants, and opinions.  Because all I’m doing is wasting energy by “should”ing all over myself (shoulding is  when you tell yourself that you “should, must, have to” do something instead of allowing yourself to consciously choose). I work for 9hrs and come home full of resistance. I don’t feel like working on any of my real passions until I can drain that resistance away.

Q2.  What are the things in my life that feel right, that feel easy, that feel like me?

My Answer: my five wishes, my writing career, spending time with J, writing fiction, writing sensually, writing erotica, connecting to my passions through ExpressTheSensual, pole dancing, reading, working with JBT, hanging out with the important people that I care about, feeling love, feeling truth, feeling and expressing my freedom to choose my life and my reality with each breath, to know and experience this moment exactly as it is…

Q3.  What are the things in my life that feel wrong, that feel hard, that don’t feel like me?

My Answer: driving to work, engineering, aerospace, my day job, being a tech writer, worrying about NOT writing, listening to the people that tell me I need to do this – buy that – believe in their miracle product or end up being a dumb ignorant jackass, feeling like a coward, feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING right now, guilt for doing it wrong, guilt for not doing it before, guilt, guilt, guilt.

Q4. What do I forget to tell myself?

My Answer: That even if I feel like I should do everything, I really don’t need to do everything. That I can just let go of all the shit that I don’t want and spend my precious time, energy, and joy building my reality around all the awesome shit that I do want. To focus on my passion and my purpose.  To know that I have a choice and that I have the ability to choose differently as each moment arrives.  Then, my path will stop feeling sticky and I’ll stop feeling trapped.  (At this point angels descended, birds sang, and an intense desire to dance again hit me)

It is your work in life that is the ultimate seduction.” –Picasso

AHA!

Try this and you’ll discover what I did.  Your REAL PRIORITIES will suddenly be laid out in front of you in such vivid detail that you can’t ignore them anymore. Accept what is critical to you and then make that the most important part of your day.

Don’t just write down the essentials of your answer. Don’t just pay them lip service. Make choices that reflect YOUR priorities. Define your goals and believe in them.

A good friend once told me “Don’t die with your music still in you!”  Break down your walls by listening to your passions. Discover your bare essentials, and share your rapture with the world.

PS…these questions were inspired by a post by Havi Brooks, who you should be reading if you love kooky, fun, and awesome all rolled into one lady…and her duck Selma. Share your ideas in the comment section!

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photo by VDFmotion

Lapdancing, it’s the mysterious private show that happens [booming announcer voice] BEHIND THE WALL in the VIP strip club.  It’s also one of my absolute favorite types of exotic dance.

I’m going to share my secret weapons with you that can help you give a tantalizing, mesmerizing, sensual lapdance.  But first, I want to demystify a few things.  Because giving a great lapdance isn’t as much about a following a set of rules as it is about making the choices that turn you and your partner on.

Lapdancing does not require a special chair

Lazyboy or a recliner; arms or no arms; chair, couch, or bed.  It really doesn’t matter what kind of seating arrangement you choose as long as it’s sturdy enough to hold the weight of two people.  The key point here is that lapdancing requires a LAP and that’s all. (Just check the name if you are fuzzy on this one)

Lapdancing does not require special clothes

You choose how much skin to bare.  You choose when to bare it (or not to bare it at all.) You choose something that makes YOU feel both comfortable and sexy (I said both and I meant both) Do NOT wear a sexy mini-dress and sparkly black knee-high boots unless YOU love them. (and I do)

Lapdancing does not require your corporate weapons, electronic gadgets, or medieval swords & daggers.

Don’t put your BlackBerry on stun–Turn it OFF! (No it’s NOT a good makeshift vibrator) Leave everything in the kitchen that doesn’t accentuate your sensual nature.  Because anything that might take away from you, is just an annoying distraction. YOU are the main event.

Choose a Damn HOT Song

Pick a song that makes your body move. Something that gives you chills and drops you into a luscious state of sensual expression.  Use music that makes your mind and body tingle with excitement. And as long as your partner doesn’t find the song annoying, you can bet he’ll be tingling too.

I like it by Moby Choke me, spank me, pull my hair by Xzbit

Choose a Playful OR KickAss Attitude

I say OR because this is your show.  If you feel sweet and cute and giggly, then be the nice MaryAnn that makes your man ache to brush the hair from your face.  If you feel strong and sexual and powerful, then be the naughty Ginger that brings all the boys to the yard. Just remember that your partner is a companion not your opponent.  Your first lapdance is probably not the time to act out any tie-him-up, tie-him-down fantasies (not without his permission anyway).

Choose a LAP willing to play your game

Communicate everything you need to ensure this dance is fun for both of you. For example, if you don’t want to be touched, ask your partner to sit on his hands.  If you want him to stay quiet, let him know that you’ll only respond to the words “mmm” and “oohhh” for the duration of the dance.  Remember, you WANT to turn him on, so don’t be so strict that you cut off his passion (no beheadings, please!)

So, with all those choices, what’s the magic key to unlock his desires and make a man beg for buttermilk (uh, I mean ask for another lapdance)…

The secret is to Tease him to the edge with the Promise of Desire and (perhaps) the Passion of Fullfillment.

Build excitement with titillation.  Provoke him with sensation and your determination to almost touch.  Almost touch his lips, almost touch his neck, almost touch his inner thigh.  This lapdance is about making your own choices, accepting your own power, and using it to build a deeper connection with your partner.  It’s personal.  It’s private. And it’s sexual.

It’s as easy as 1-2-3-4

1.  Slide up to the LAP
Whether you walk or crawl, sinuously find your way to his lap.  Take your time.  Meander.  There’s no rush when your focus is the tease.  Once you get there, nudge (not shove) his legs open by sliding your knee between his knees and then step into the gap.

2.  Warm up to the LAP
Use slow, luxurious Hurricane Hips or your favorite pelvic circles to get both of you in the mood.  Throw in some booty popping for good measure (using his legs to substitute for a chair back) and taunt him with a Just Missed Kiss.

Just Missed Kiss – drop your eyes to his lips and act like you are going to kiss him. Get so close to his lips that he can feel your soft breath and then, just miss. Divert your lips to one side and slide your cheek along his face. (Oops, better luck next time. Teehee)

3.  Change the view
Turning around while maintaing your hypnotic movement can be a bit tricky, especially if you are wearing a sexy pair of 6 in heels.  Ignore the temptation to throw one leg over his head.  Knocking his block off will seriously fuck up the mood (and you promised you wouldn’t behead him, remember) Instead try an Ocho or a Model Turn.

Ocho – cross your right foot over you left and slowly pivot on the balls of your feet. Let your right hip draw a semicircle until your tushy is directly in front of his face. (location, location, location!) Model Turn - shifting your weight from right foot to left foot while rotating your body 1/4 turn until you are facing away from him. To keep him mesmerized, continue rolling and circling your hips as you turn. (aahh, Houdini would be proud and asking for an encore)

4. Melt into the LAP
Being careful of his dangly bits, sit (yep, sit) directly onto his thighs.  Please, PLEASE, DONT HOVER. (your partner isn’t a public toilet) Lean back into him, giving him both the sensation of warmth from your body and the view of your lovely curves.  Now it’s time for the Shiver Giver.

Shiver Giver – Run your fingertips up his legs (outside for nice girls or inside for naughty girls), his arms, or along his neckline using a the tips of your fingers and a soft side to side motion. As if you were drawing a wave of pleasure on his skin. Instead of thinking “she’s touching me,” he’ll be thinking “Oh God, I hope she touches me there.”

At this point, you’re on your own.  I’m sure it’ll all end with a bang.  (oh my gosh, did I just say that? — Yes, yes I did)

Have you ever given a lapdance, why or why not?  What’s your favorite lapdancing outfit? Share your ideas in the comment section!

Did you read pt 1 of this series?… Find your perfect LAP here!

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I constantly questioned why I was always alone. And usually ended up blaming some random body part.  ‘Oh my butt is too big’ (it’s not). Oh my hips are too wide’ (they aren’t). ‘Oh my toes are too stubbly.’ (I was pretty upset by the time I got to my toes

What I didn’t recognize was that somewhere along the way, I had started taking dating advice from Red Sonja.

In case you didn’t grow up in the early 1980’s, Red Sonja is this KickAss swordswoman who has to save the world from an evil Queen and her all-powerful talisman.  And, to make matters worse, she’s got horrible script dialog and Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sidekick. (they call him Kalidor in the movie, but Arnold really only knows how to play the part of Arnold) So, to ensure that she doesn’t give away her cookie to any old Warrior King, Red Sonja vows that she’ll never give herself to a man unless he can beat her in a fair fight.

I thought this made perfect sense.  If I followed this rule, then any guy I’m willing to date has got to be at least as strong, smart, funny, healthy, successful, etc as me.  If he passes the test and proves all that, then I can be sure he’s worth a little lap bump and booty grind.  Right?

WRONG!

Testing men and treating then like an opponent was ruining both Sonja’s and my love life.  And totally screwing up my chances of ever practicing my blossoming exotic dance skills on a real live man.  I was beheading every potential lapdance partner before he even got a chance to sit down. (pun intended for all you adults out there)

Here’s Sonja and my problem stated, oh so eloquently, by the big brute with the bulging biceps after he learns of Sonja’s vow;

“So, the only man that can have you, is one who is trying to kill you. Hmm, that’s logic.” – Kalidor the Warrior King

Yes, ladies.  That’s sarcasm from the Governor of California.  Surprise!

If we assume an aggressive stance to dating, relationships, and lapdancing, then the only men we’ll having in our chairs will be overbearing, controlling assholes. (And personally, I prefer to avoid the jerks and power hounds whenever possible) Plus, if a nice man manages to slip under the barbed wire we put around our hearts and sits into a chair hoping for a little lovin’… our defenses will automatically kick in.  He’ll probably end up feeling like has to constantly battle for our affection. (I actually had a guy call me a Vengeful Vagina once.  That did NOT go over well.)

But rejoice warrior women! Red Sonja’s co-stars have the solution!  And this is the truth ladies, because once I figured this out, I went from no dates EVER, to meeting 3 or 4 men with lapdancing potential every week. Good men. Men that I really enjoyed talking and hanging out with.  I didn’t date them all, but I made a lot of friends and my phone was buzzing like a hornet’s nest for months.

Red Sonja’s Swordmaster warns: “Hatred of men in a lovely young woman… Such could be your downfall. You must learn to like men a little better” And Prince Tarn questions Red Sonja’s motives: “Why does she fight so hard? She doesn’t want to win.”

(I told you the script dialog was *awesome* right?)

Remember, it’s a waste of time and energy to beat men at their own game.  Screw their games.  I don’t want to play ‘who has the bigger penis’ anyway. Men aren’t the enemy! Life doesn’t have to be a Battle of the Sexes.

Once you move men out of the “opponent” category they will transform into a cherished companion. (It’s magically delicious!) It’s so much easier to smile at a man when you don’t require a battle plan first. (as long as they aren’t drooling assholes) Welcome the opportunity to be with someone who wants to share and grow with you… sensually, authentically, and joyfully. You might find that they surprise you by being caring, loving, individuals that want the same adventures in life that you do.  Including an awesome lapdance!

So, once you have him, what do you do with him?…. Read part 2 of ‘How to Give a Lapdance without Beheading Your Partner’

PS – Red Sonja is being remade with Rose McGowan (Warrior Woman Kick ASS!)

How did you meet your favorite Lapdance partner? Or are you currently holding auditions for the role of LAP? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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In case you didn’t know already, I’ve got a soft spot for real strippers.  And not just because they created the rich and beautiful art form that I love (pole & exotic dance)… But also because a real stripper understands an honest days work, just like you do.

Consider exactly what a stripper does…

in corporate lingo…

A stripper provides immediate value to her customers upfront (by dancing on that huge stage FOR FREE). Then, she uses her communication skills (both verbal and non-verbal) to actually get paid for a private consultation (otherwise known as a lapdance).  She has to pay 20% of her commision for the meeting room (or lap dancing booth) before she gets to use it. And another 10-15% for job security (also known as the Bouncer) before she walks out the front door to go home.

She doesn’t get a salary, health insurance, or even the promise of a job waiting for her tomorrow.  And she still has to pay taxes on every penny she makes.  Plus, she completes the entire transaction while exposing more skin than most of us are willing to bare at the beach on a hot summer day.

A real stripper knows that her 9pm – 3am job has the same fundamental principles as your daily grind… She just words them a little differently.  (BTW, these are real tips that I learned from real strippers.  I did not make them up)

Don’t Eat the Free Food in the Back

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely hate the cheap, disgusting food that most companies provides to their employees to lure them into all those boring meetings.  But even worse, I often wonder if everybody washed their hands before sticking them in the communal bowl of M&Ms or “fresh” biscuits.  This is a particularly sticky situation for a stripper.  The smart ones bring their own lollipops or licorice ropes and never, ever, EVER eat food left out at the club. (eeewwww!)

Watch Out for Flying Shoes

Look, it happens.  Newbie strippers love to wear 7 inch platform heels without an ankle strap… and sometimes, if you point your toe just right, it’ll fly off and smack somebody in the face.  Sometimes it even happens accidentally on purpose (ie don’t piss off a stripper).  So, just like you, strippers learn from the stupid shit their coworkers do in front of the customers and the boss… and don’t repeat those mistakes. Because when you piss off the customer, you don’t get tips.  Of course, the whole club will laugh their ass off.  But I promise, it seriously hurts to remove a spike heel from your forehead.

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” ~LaoTzu

(PS – as a pole dancer you already know that you should always dance in shoes with ankle straps right? Oh good!)

Always Tip the Bouncer

If you want to stay healthy then you need good health insurance, and you’re going to have to pay for it. The Bouncer is the closest thing a stripper has to a health plan and she knows it’s important to keep him happy.  A smart stripper makes sure that the Bouncer is her BFF, so he’ll work hard to keep her safe.  When you don’t tip your bouncer, you’ll still get health coverage, but it’s usually slow, inefficient, and you’ll end up having to kick someones ass with your platform shoes (see tip above).

Avoid the Two for One Discount

At least once a night, almost every strip club has a two for one special.  That means if a customer buys one lapdance, he gets a second one for free. (A blue light special in the red light district?) However, what you may not realize is when a real stripper hears the DJ make this announcement, she instantly decides to take a break.  She believes in her skills and knows that her expertise are valuable (just like your KICK-ASS skills as an engineer, HR manager, or soccer mom). So unless she’s got a guy who’s going to buy three or more dances and doesn’t smell like he was dipped in cheap tequila, this just isn’t worth her time.

Put On an Original Show

The fastest way to get your ass kicked by a gang of angry strippers is to steal everybody else’s pole & exotic dance tricks.  Imitation is not flattery in a strip club, it’s just plain stupid. Every real stripper knows that she is one of a kind, just like you. Her regular customers show up to see her signature moves and new customers will pick her out from all the other dancers because her performance is original.  She builds her business and her social interactions by the creative use of her strengths, whether they are her spinning helicopter, her ass, or her witty repartee.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~LaoTzu

If You Don’t Like Stripping, Get the Fuck Off the Stage

Stripping isn’t for everybody.  It takes a special kind of woman to get up on a pole, dance in front of strangers, and convince them to throw money at her.  It doesn’t mean she’s an exhibitionist (I’ve met plenty of strippers that are really very shy).  It doesn’t mean she’s dumb (think of how much a marketing executive gets paid to network with clients using only his communication skills).  And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have dreams for her future (serious strippers work 5 days a week to pay for college or start their own business).

But, like any other successful woman, a real stripper knows that if she doesn’t enjoy at least some parts of her job, then she’ll just end up sabotaging her own success. She continuously challenges herself to improve her dancing skills, make an extra hundred bucks, or even win exotic dance competitions.  And she looks damn sexy doing it!

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~LaoTzu

I’m not saying we should all go out and be strippers (because this would seriously piss them off and I don’t need to be stripper whipped with a pair of red thigh high boots).  I’m saying that real strippers have a wisdom of their own.

So, the next time you visit a strip club, pay your respects, and remember to tip your dancer!

How do you connect with the history of exotic dance? Do you think dancing can be zen? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Quiver, mantrap, rosebud, jewel, cake, snatch, artichoke, venus mound, sugar basin, clamshell.

How many ways are there to describe the female sex organs? Literally hundreds! I have a whole book filled with awesome dirty words and I promise not to repeat the same one twice.

But why do we feel it’s necessary to hide behind innuendo and misdirection when all we are really trying to say is vagina, labia, clitoris, and vulva.  Shit, I use these words so infrequently that I actually had to look up the correct spelling.  Why does our current culture still pretend that woman are Barbie dolls with big boobs, no hips, and a smooth crease of absolutely nothing between our legs?

I think it’s my fault.

Seriously….I take responsibility for this.

In my past, I have encouraged men to think of my nooky as a snapping turtle that only a highly trained (and well paid) anthropologist is ever going to get near enough to identify.  I perpetrated the falsehood that my hoochie was an illusive and possibly imaginary beast, separate from me, running wild and free in the background of some tampon commercial. But I can assure you, MY YUM YUM IS NOT A SOFT WHITE BUNNY bounding through endless fields of lush green grass swaying in the gentle breeze, under a soothing blue sky!

Then to add insult to this injury, I bought into the falsehood that I needed to retrain this unicorn (read as shy, horny beast) into a flaming POWER PUSSY!

Able to climb tall poles! Soar through the air! And blind men with my pure sexuality!

While still retaining that ridiculous separation between my real self and the sexy stripper minx that could only emerge from my honeypot when I stood next to a pole.  What kind of secret identity is that?!

Knock. Knock. Hello? It’s reality at the door and she wants her money back.

If you really believe that you and your yoni are separate but equal, do yourself a favor and stop drinking the Kool aide. Your diddle is not a carnival that only comes in to town when the moon is full. It’s always with you and more importantly, it’s a part of you. It’s not a disembodied piece of flesh floating around in space.  You decide whether it gathers dust on a shelf or has three shows nightly.  And you don’t need a pole to put on a show… or to express your inherent sensuality.

In fact, you don’t need to do anything at all.  SURPRISE! If you are a real woman (and since you’ve read this far, I’m willing to bet that you are) then trying to hide your feminine sexuality is a complete waste of time. You can’t have a gold encrusted phantom penis no matter how hard you try to grow one.  You’re not fooling anyone and it’s kind of painful to watch.  So STOP!

Remember, Barbie dolls and their unmarked plastic crotches are for make believe. Plus, they already sell fleshlights online, so don’t bother trying to hide your sexuality in your pocket. It’s just going to wriggle out at the worst (or best) possible moment anyway.

Embody and enjoy your feminine power. Share you understanding and compassion with your sisters and friends. Teach the men in your life and in “polite” society  that your beautiful shiny box is nothing to be afraid of.  It’s where we keep all the fun stuff.

One in the hand is worth two in the bush OR Get your mind out of the gutter, it’s blocking my view.

Whats your favorite slang word for alpha and omega? How do you integrate your sexuality into your personality? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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1.  Don’t be afraid to act like a bad girl

Bette Davis was know for her “willingness to play unsympathetic roles.” Some of her most acclaimed characters were an adulterous murderer, a Jezebel, and a prostitute.

Give yourself the time and space to play with the darker parts of your personality. Everybody has them.  Don’t bottle your emotions when you feel angry, powerful, or hungry for something naughty. Accept them. Welcome them. You can still feel your authentic nature without responding or acting in a negative manner. Instead cultivate your Femme Fatale, your Huntress, your Evil Queen.  There’s nothing wrong with playing in the dirt as long as you define the safety rules first and remember to take a shower when you are done.

When I feel like a Woman on the prowl I listen to If by Janet Jackson, Fully Alive by Flyleaf, and Cry Little Sister by G Tom Mac.

2.  Find your own sex appeal

Bette Davis was known for her lusciously riveting eyes and fought to ensure the lighting of every film emphasized her most well known feature.  However, she often remarked that she had built her career, not with her beauty, but by being tough and passionate about personal excellence. Jack Warner (of Warner Brothers) said she had that “magic quality that transformed this sometimes bland and not beautiful little girl into a great artist.”

You are sexy. I absolutely know this already, without ever laying my eyes on you.  However, I don’t know WHAT is sexy about you.

For years, I struggled with my own sensuality.  I felt ugly and very un-charismatic.  I became so depressed with my body image that I gained 70lbs to ensure that no man would ever touch me again (meaning I went from a size 12 to size 18).  But one day, I decided that I liked my ass. Even if I was overweight, I still had sexy curvy hips and a lovely bum.  Day after day, I built on that positive feeling.  I found jeans that showed off my ass.  I wore shirts that hugged my hourglass waist.   I pole danced to music that made me want to swing and sway my hips.

Over time, I recognized more features that made me feel sexy.  My long hair, my earthy brown eyes, my strong shoulders.  With each discovery, I felt better about myself and created more ways to enjoy my body exactly as it is–Like using the Hurricane Hips to strengthen my abs and show off my bootay!  The most amazing side effect is that, by loving my ass, I’ve learned how to take care of my body, lost the weight, and gained more strength and flexibility than I ever had before.  Find Your Bette.  Find something to love about yourself and let your sex appeal grow from there. If I can do this, you can do this!

3.  Accept tribute and compliments with grace and style

When Kim Carne’s wrote “Betty Davis’ Eyes” Bette Davis wrote thank you notes to Kim Carne and the songwriters. She even hung the gold and platinum records, a gift from Kim, on her wall.

Do you respond to compliments by telling the person that they are crazy or blind?  Or perhaps you assume that they are only complimenting you because they want something from you.  Please, please, please don’t do this anymore.  Give yourself permission to accept compliments without judgment. Recognize that, although you may not agree (perhaps because you need to read Rule #4 again), the person complimenting you is giving you a gift–that they are grateful to know you, to share time with you, to enjoy your company.  And the best way to respond to such a gift is to continue sharing your amazing, beautiful, authentic self.

The next time you dance for an audience, accept their praise as the gift of gratitude, smile, and say “Thank You” like the sexy Minx you are!

4. Be true to yourself and not to your critics

In “Of Human Bondage”, Bette Davis fought for an authentic death scene no matter how unglamorous.  She said, “the last stages of consumption, poverty and neglect are not pretty and I intended to be convincing-looking.”

If there is only ONE thing you get from this article, get this: Being your Authentic Self in every moment is the most powerful way to effect the world and enjoy your life. Don’t dampen your personality and pretend to be someone else.  Don’t put on a mask to please your coworkers, family, or friends.  Let go of anyone who doesn’t encourage you to be exactly who you are.

Real life usually isn’t glamorous, but it is always powerful. You can tell the difference between passionate action and apathy.  Let your authentic power shine through your face, your body, and your movements.  Let you emotions explode out while you dance.  If you need to pound on the floor in agony, do it.  If you need to smile in the blissful throws of a spinning flight around the pole, then grin like a mother fucking idiot.  The world can tell the Truth from a plastic imitation.  So, don’t fake an orgasm, don’t dance what you don’t feel, and don’t apologize for who you are.

5.  Live life beyond the routine

Bette Davis worked in every genre in Hollywood, television, and Broadway including contemporary crime dramas, historical, period films, comedies, & romantic dramas.  She said that throughout her career she had followed Charles Loughton advice…

“Never not dare to hang yourself. That’s the only way you grow in your profession. You must continually attempt things that you think are beyond you, or you get into a complete rut.”

Challenge yourself and your limits. If you always dance in t-shirts, put on a bikini top instead.  If you always dance to country music, throw on Beautiful by Eminem.  If you usually dance in the dark, turn on all the lights and dance at high noon. Question your own inhibitions.  Don’t let the need for security, the status quo, and fear of change, suffocate your personal style.

If you need help breaking through the box & developing your dance style, try one of my Improvisational Dance Challenges.  If you need help busting your own limiting beliefs in life then check out The Sedona Method or the ReCreate Your Life program.  These two simple methods have helped me break through my own emotional barriers to find the passion to follow my dreams. (I’m not kidding)

6.  Wanting your dreams isn’t enough–Make them happen.

For her first 4 years in Hollywood, Bette Davis was said to have “lovely eyes” but about “as much sex appeal as Slim Southerland,” (an unattractive male actor of the 40s). But in 1934, after over 20 (unnoticed) film roles, she played the vicious Mildred Rogers in “Of Human Bondage”, which was described as “probably the best performance ever recorded on the screen by a U.S. actress.”

She continued her illustrious, yet sometimes rocky career until 1983, when she developed breast cancer.  But in 1985, she overcame a mastectomy, four strokes, and paralysis in her left side to star in 4 more films and received the Kennedy Center Honor, the Legion of Honor from France, the Campione d’Italia from Italy and the Film Society of Lincoln Center Lifetime Achievement Award.  In fact, over her lifetime, she was nominated for an Oscar a stunning 10 times, a feat only 4 other actors have ever achieved.

Bette Davis said that she didn’t commit to her career as an actress until 1926 when she saw a production of Henrik Ibsen’s The Wild Duck with Blanche Yurka and Peg Entwistle…

Before that performance I wanted to be an actress,” Bette said, “ When it ended, I had to be an actress.”

I believe that everyone has a life purpose that only they can define.  But just because you know what you want, doesn’t mean that you have committed to it.  Commitment requires daily, monthly, and yearly action and usually a leap of faith or two.  It takes the understanding that you can’t just sit around and wait for your dreams to come true.  You have to take one step after another and make them come true. Mistakes are just the mileposts of learning, NOT an indication that you are on the wrong path.

If you want to learn how to invert, you are going to have to put in the time and effort to make your abs strong.  If you want to do the splits, you are going to have to stretch or do yoga every week.  If you want to be a writer, you are going to have to write & edit your work daily (this is a little reminder for me too   You might even need to call on a professional instructor who can help motivate you and teach you the tips, tricks, and techniques you need to get to the next level. Success requires that you translate your passionate dreams into committed action, RIGHT NOW.

“To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy. ” “My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.“ “ — Bette Davis

What makes you feel like a beautiful Bette? How do you express that authentic beauty in your dance & in your life? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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There is nothing wrong with your butt.

No, I’m not kidding.  That really is the secret.  The problem is that so many of us know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with our butt, BUT (pun intended) emotionally, we have a major complex about our big ass bumping into tables (& men’s faces) or our super skinny flat ass that looks like a pancake.  I’m telling you right now, there is nothing wrong with your butt.

Let me explain this using a more scientific approach (I can do that because I’m a physicist) and take a look at this from both sides of the spectrum.

The Big Ass

Men around the world love it.  Yep.  They love it.  I’ve done extensive research on this particular fact and have realized that although the media portray men and woman speaking about ass like this…

Self-Conscious Lady: Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
Confused Man: Uh, you mean those jeans?
Sadly Insecure Lady: Yes, dumb ass.  The ones I’m wearing.
Trapped Man (hesitantly): You look just fine in those jeans.
Angry Lady: You mean my ass doesn’t look fine in my other jeans?!  Well you can forget about ‘getting some ass’ from me tonight!
Resigned Man (under his breath): Damn it, I wanted that ass.

The SHOCKING truth is that a lot of men wander around hoping and praying that a big butt will come their way and say hello. It’s not that they don’t want to talk to you at all, they just know they’ve hit the jackpot if you’ve got a personality and a big bootay.

For most of my life, I would look at my ass in the mirror and squeeze in the sides, hoping to make it get just a little bit smaller.  But finally, I started to hear what every boyfriend/lover/fiance I’d ever had was trying to tell me.  Our conversations about ass went more like this…

Self-Conscious Lady (accidentally seeing her ass in the mirror): Sigh.
Confused Man: What’s the matter?  And don’t say “nothing” because that’s the tenth time you’ve sighed tonight.
Sadly Insecure Lady: I just wish I’d worn something less revealing.  My butt looks too big in this outfit. I’m just uncomfortable.
Comforting Man: What?!  Your ass looks HOT in those jeans.  I can’t wait to take you home and get a piece of it.
Surprised & Sexy Lady: Really? I always thought my ass was too big.
Excited Man: I love your big ass.  And I think it’s about time I proved it.  Come here.
(The rest of the story has been deleted due to the R rated content

And as a cherry on top, there’s a new trend in Hollywood where some actresses are having ass implants.  Yes, they are having cosmetic surgery to INCREASE the size of their butt.  Mostly, this should tell you that all Hollywood trends are a big load of BS and deserve to be ignored. It doesn’t matter if the trend is skinny jeans OR big asses.  However, what is important is that the world is finally coming to their senses about big butts.  Don’t stay in the closet with yours.

As Sir Mix Alot put it so eloquently, ”Stick it out, even white boys got to shout, baby got back!”

“I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can’t deny That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung”

But what about the flip side? (HA! that whole sentence was a pun.)

The Skinny Ass

Although I don’t have as much personal experience with having a skinny butt, I have many friends who do.  Every one of them has an ass worth looking at!  I’ve seen men stop, pull down their sunglasses, and stare at my skinny assed friends as they walk by.

My girls told me that their secret to having a super sexy skinny ass is The Sway.  They let their hips sway from side to side as they walk. This creates an amazingly hypnotic motion that is perfectly balanced by the subtle curves of a skinny butt.  And it’s almost impossible not to look at it.  Try it.

1.  Turn on some sensual tunes like “Do I Move You” by Nina Simone (shit, anything from Nina would work!).
2.  Stand 3 or 4 steps back in front of a mirror and slowly walk toward it.
3.  Let your lower hips swing and sway from side to side.
4.  When you get to the mirror, turn around slowly and look over your shoulder.
5.  Walk back to where you started

I dare you to NOT watch the Swaying movement of your skinny ass.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing!

But personally, I think that if you really don’t believe in the power of a skinny butt, then you need to get your ass to the beach.  Throw on your swimsuit and wander around the surf and sand.  At the beach, the skinny butts win the day.  They look GOOD riding on bicycles along the boardwalk.  They look GOOD bouncing and running along the crashing waves.  Skinny butts look REALLY GOOD in bikini bottoms whether they are side ties, tankinis, or just a regular low cut two piece suit.

Why else do you think men go to the beach? Okay, yes. They want to surf or play volleyball.  But when they are done playing, they hang around to watch your skinny ass walk by.   My advice is to throw on your side tie bikini, get an ice cream cone (men have a very serious oral fixation), and start wandering the beach. Sway with the rhythm of the crashing ocean waves and you’ll soon realize that both you AND your ass look sexy as hell!

And if after all that, you still aren’t convinced that, there is nothing wrong with your ass consider this…

And possibly this…
Dance, Dance, Drop Your Pants!

But Not This.

What kind of sexy butt do you have? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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I’m not stopping.  Not tonight, not next year, not next month or ever.  In fact, I’ve made it my personal mission to use pole and exotic dancing to teach other woman how phenomenally beautiful and SEXY they already are. But the truth is that pole dancing is just the medium.  Every woman is amazing before I teach her a single twirl…before they take their first spin around the pole…before their hips ever move in the smallest of circles.

Every woman has an inherent sensual power. She carries it with her everywhere.  Ready to be unleashed in the kitchen, the boardroom or the bedroom.  It’s her choice.

What pisses me off, is that sometimes we as woman forget we’ve got it.  The cookie. The thing that makes our lovers stand up and beg for buttermilk.  I’m not sure when or where we stopped feeling that sensual animal inside, but I do know that if you don’t feel it, you’ve got to find it.  You’ve got to get the animal back.  She’s the source of your power and she’s sitting in the shadows asking what in the hell you’re waiting for…..

I can’t tell you exactly where she is, but I can tell you where she isn’t.  She isn’t at the top of the corporate ladder pretending to be a man at the head of the table.  I don’t mean you shouldn’t KICK-ASS at work.  And I definitely don’t mean you shouldn’t lead.  You should KICK-ASS at work, you can KICK-ASS at work, and you probably do KICK-ASS at work.  But not by trying to be “as good as a man.”  You already are an amazing woman, so why bother trying to be “a man.” I may never meet you and yet, I know this as ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Have you ever noticed how exhausted you get trying to “beat men at their own game.” Yes, I know you can do it, but personally, I’ve found that playing the game like a man wears me down faster than the other guys.  They wake up at 6am ready to go (or is that just morning wood?) and I get more and more tired.

The problem isn’t that we are too weak, or too feminine, or too fragile because we are women.  The problem is that it’s just not our damn game. That game is meant to be played with a penis and, I don’t know about you, but I just don’t have one of those, nor do I want one. So, tomorrow, when you wake up, instead of getting ready to play their game one more fucking time, make the decision to change the rules.

Listen to your instincts, listen to your heart, and stop asking permission to be sexy.  Wear skirts if you’ve got great legs.  Wear pants if you’ve got a great butt.  Sway your hips ever so slightly when you walk.  Smile with the knowledge that you’ve got something the men around you don’t have, can’t have, and want BADLY.  Don’t apologize for loving the way you love, for caring the way you care, or for having hips, tits and an ass. Because I guarantee the men around you won’t ever apologize for having a penis.

Practice walking the halls at work (or the grocery store), turning your sensual power on and off, on and off.  Notice how people will start to watch you, open the door for you, give up their seat at the conference table for you.  I’m not telling you to flirt shamelessly (unless that’s what YOUR sensual animal wants).  I’m telling you to let the power of being a woman flow through you.

Remember, your body is made for creation– a beautiful expression of the living breathing world around you. The moment you accept that power and the responsibility that goes with it, you will feel that sensual ebb and flow…. You will BE that sensual ebb and flow. And the people around you, both men and woman, will respond.   They will respect you more for being a woman who enjoys being a woman. Men will feel more alive and be more authentic with you.  Other woman will be more connected to you.  It won’t be an instant utopia, but it will be a deeper alignment between you and the life you want to live.

So whatever you do, don’t apologize for being soft, for being sensual, for sometimes needing to cry for no reason at all. Don’t apologize for having an opinion or doing something different than everybody else.  Don’t apologize for playing like a woman, for starting up a new game, with new rules…. Especially if you are winning!

And don’t EVER apologize for pole dancing.

How do you express your sensual feminine self? When do you feel the most connected with the world? Share your ideas in the comment section!

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!