Express The Sensual

I love girls on chairs almost as much as I love girls on poles.  There’s something seriously powerful about watching one of your best friends giving your other best friend a lapdance, just because she can.  In that moment, nobody is worrying about how big or small her ass should be.  Or how her legs compare to [insert championship pole dancer here]. We’re all just enjoying the absolutely carefree playful spirit permeating the room.  We shout dirty jokes as the lapdancer pops her booty in the receivers face until one of them has to “tap out” because she is laughing too damn hard. (NOTE – no pole dancers were harmed in the making of this post.)  And everyone claps in real appreciation as she slides down in the splits and says” TaDa!”

No one critiques her.  No one holds up signs that say 8 or 9.5. No one would even consider saying something negative at a pole party (especially at the fabulous birthday party I went to last night at Siren Fitness.)

The Demon’s Playground?

But when we move this whole experience and rename it from Party to Class, our inner demons surface. Instead of playfulness we become overly serious.  Instead of experimental we become regimental.  Instead of cultivating acceptance of ourselves and our bodies, we become judgmental, critical, and frustrated.

One of the key issues that every teacher struggles with is how to create an environment where woman will let go of all that self judgment.  We use encouragement, positive feedback, and try to teach by example.  Some dance studios encourage Las Vegas Rules, ie what happens in class stays in class.  Students can share generalities and their own experience with their family and friends, but not the names of other students or whether Stacy’s invert is better than Jane’s.

The Big NGE

But in the end, everything still comes down to one woman and her thoughts of being Not Good Enough. And don’t kid yourself, every woman struggles with Not Good Enough.  Even if she has managed to slay this demon, the damn thing usually has babies and no matter how cute and fuzzy they may seem in the beginning, eventually they’ll start sprouting six heads, shark teeth, and menacing poison tipped spikes. (I know this sounds all doom and gloom, but I promise there’s a happy ending…no not THAT kind of happy ending.  Geez!)

You’re Not Alone

I’ve been pole dancing for 10 years, teaching pole for 6 years, taking dance movement classes since I was 12 years old and I still regularly experience Not Good Enough.  In fact, some days it’s all I experience.  I’ll go to class feeling relaxed and ready to experiment, attempt a pole spin I’ve done a million times and totally bomb it.  At this point, I can usually get up, dust myself off, and try again. But by the third try, if I’m still unsuccessful, my NGE Demon will shake itself awake and start snarling at me.  It’s beady red eyes will glow as it says “You’ve got to extend, silly girl! Look at how weak you are? I told you this would happen if you ate that slice of chocolate cake last Saturday!  At least try to point your damn toes and fall gracefully! “

However, for me, the worst of the worst, the nastiest of the nasty, is the Not Good Enough demon from hell that I experience when I’m teaching.  Now, I LOVE teaching.  In fact, I’m working very hard to make teaching movement my full time job.  But when I’m teaching, it is my job to make sure every woman in my class has an awesome experience.  I need to ensure every woman understands the technique we’re working on, the safety issues associated with it, and all the different layers that turn a mechanical movement into a sensual pole spin. I WANT her to have a good time…. but I can’t MAKE her have a good time. Which means whenever a student is struggling with her NGE Demon, I’m struggling with mine.  My Teaching NGE Demon says “Quick, quick!  Help her for goodness sake.  What sort of a teacher are you?  Can’t you see she’s struggling because you didn’t explain it well enough?”

The White Knight Comes to your Rescue

I wish I could tell you that after years and years of pole dance practice, the feeling of being Not Good Enough goes away.  I wish I could tell you that if you conquer the beast once, it will never rear it’s ugly head again.  I WISH I could tell you that, but I can’t.  And I wish I could tell you that some sexy, gallant man is going to ride in at just the right moment, shove a pike into the belly of the demon and whisk you away to a huge castle with a room full of Louboutin shoes.  Instead you’re going to have to learn how to strap on a sword… because You are the White Knight.

The only person who can rescue you from your NGE demon is you.  And here’s the light at the end of the tunnel: Slaying the demon isn’t easy, but it’s does get easier.

Arm Thyself, Sensual Warrior

The number one way I have found to kill the feeling of being Not Good Enough, is Aparigraha.  No, I’m not speaking in tongues, well maybe I am a little. Aparigraha is a concept from Tantric Yoga which basically means non-attachment or non-clinging.  For me, Aparigraha is the cultivation of acceptance that all things in life will change.  All things are ethereal. Today can never be exactly like yesterday and tomorrow doesn’t exist yet.  It means JUST FOR TODAY, let go of the past.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your judgment.  JUST FOR TODAY, let go of your fantasies for the future (also known as expectations). Because, if you hold on to everything with a death grip, you’ll lose the one ability that makes us alive, the ability to change.

So when the Not Good Enough Demon attacks you, pull out your sword (of compassion) and kill him with kindness. JUST FOR THIS BREATH, accept life without resistance because you still have the power to change. In fact, the world is conspiring with you.  That’s why it promises that this moment in your life won’t be anything like the last one, or anything like the moment before that.

You have the freedom to choose something new every time you take a breath. Instead of judging yourself as Not Good Enough, simply accept that something happened that you didn’t want to happen.  It already happened.  You already lived through it, successfully(!) and now you have more information, more knowledge, more understanding.  Let it go, learn from it, and make a new choice.

Queen of the Compassionate Castle

I know how difficult it is to accept yourself in the heat of frustration, as you fail to achieve that perfect pole spin, that perfect advanced invert, or that perfect extension in the pose. Try to practice taking a breath.  One breath, leads to another, leads to another. Take just a moment to feel compassion and say to yourself…

Just for this breath, I let go of self judgment.

Just for this breath, I am Good Enough.

When do you experience the Demon of Not Good Enough and what sort of weapons of compassion do you use against him? Tell your demon slayer stories in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

Once upon a time…

…there was a beautiful and vivacious woman, although she didn’t usually think so, who was diligently folding the laundry.  It was late, the house was fairly quiet and she was enjoying the time alone, even if she was stuck doing a few domestic chores.

As she slid her fingers across a soft silk bra, one of her favorite songs began to play on the radio.  The deep and luscious beat was hypnotic, seeming to beg her hips to move.

She looked around, smiling at the guilty thoughts playing across her mind, and gave in to the music. Slowly, slowly, allowing her hips to shift and tilt, turn and grind, circle and shake. She let the laundry drop from her hands and brushed her fingers through her hair. Such softness, such a tingle as she soothed the pressure points along her skull and caressed her lovely cheeks.

Suddenly she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and stopped. Surprised by the sensual smile on her own lips, the sexy curve of her hips, the acceptance of her self in her own eyes. She considered stopping, wonderding what would happen if someone caught her in such a precarious position.  But the song pushed through her senses, it’s beat too infectious to ignore and she let the mirror’s vision slide from her sight.

Realizing she was simply too warm, she found her fingers tugging at her clothes, pulling down the edges of her pants, lifting the straps of her tank top.  Everything seemed to tickle her, the smooth cotton surrounding her, holding her too tightly.  She needed to move freely, uncontrolled, unconstrained, completely released from emotional and physical boundaries. She knew she had to decide between dancing and clothing, and it was simply to late to stop.  First the shirt, slid over her head and shoulders.  And then the pants, bit by bit, fell from her undulating hips. The air tickled along her exposed skin and a welcome sigh escaped her lips.

When her legs began to shake from such playful exertions, she fell backwards onto the bed.  Her feet dangled, then swung from side to side, and finally kicked in a happy tantrum, feeding off the passion of the singer’s voice. The sheets were soft and easy to slide along as she rolled and twisted, moving slowly, deliberately, yet giving in to the emotions curling through her mind. She wondered again, how sensual her lips might look, lying on the bed with her tush in the air.  She decided a peek at herself wouldn’t hurt and looked over her shoulder at the mirror again.

The sight that greeted her almost brought tears.  Her body glistened; glowed with vitality and the feminine form.  Every curve melded seamlessly, sensually into the next with an easy grace– even the ones she had never liked before. For once, her body seemed happy, her mind content with the sight of herself, without needless worry, without misplaced shame.  Perfect and whole as she’d always been without having to change a thing.

She sighed as the song released it’s final notes and winked at her own reflection. Letting the memory of her movement, her honest beauty, her sensuality be captured and held.  She finally understood that she was truly sexy, and vowed to remember this fact today and every day after.  Perhaps all that she needed was to dance naked…. right after she finished the laundry.

A Call To Action

I invite you to discover your own hidden dancer.  The one you hide from while you do the laundry or get ready for bed.  Forget about the pole, forget about special clothes, forget about everything but the song and the feeling of being in your body, in your breath, in this exact moment.  You don’t need anything special, except your amazing self, perfect and whole exactly as you are.

Sexy is a realization, a state of mind that you are amazing just as you are. Simply choose a song and let the music infect you with it’s passion.  Or better yet, use a song to transform your body into pure emotion.  Let creativity, truth, and sensuality be your guide.  Let go of your worries for the length of just one song and you’ll soon see that they will never be as important, as alive as you are when you dance with your whole self.

Give in to passion, give in to life, give in to love…. and you may soon find yourself dancing naked.

Just try it, even if it takes a glass or two of wine.  I dare you to Dance (almost) Naked and rediscover how surprisingly sexy you really are. Please share your anonymous and not-so-anonymous thoughts in the comments.

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!

Let’s talk about sex [socks], baby

Striped or Polka Dotted, Thigh High or Anklets, Cotton or Silk; socks are one of my favorite tools of sensual exploration. And if that sounds dirty, then you’re definitely in the right state of mind.

Cold toes suck!

Back when I first started pole dancing, I learned my beginner moves barefoot, and I absolutely hated it.  I missed my comfy tennis shoes, I missed my ankle support, and I really missed my oh-so-warm socks.  Later, after I’d learned how to climb and float around the pole, I understood the importance of training shoeless.  So, I started using foot undeez, a special pad jazz & ballet dancers use, to help protect the balls of the feet.

But I missed having warm, comfy toes. In fact, I regularly found that just the idea of dancing in a cold studio made me want to skip out on a practice session altogether.  Sometimes, I’d just have to force myself to deal with freezing toes until the heat of movement finally warmed things up.  I still shiver with goosebumps at the thought of that cold, icy floor.

It doesn’t have to be that way though, especially if you’re willing to explore the more slippery option of socks.

First, I LOVE the sensuality of socks

They come in all shapes, sizes, heights, colors, patterns, and materials.  Whether you love cute little hearts and red bows, scary vampire kisses, crew cut stripes, or sexy black thigh highs, there is a sock for you.  You can use them to dress-up as a sweet school girl, naughty librarian, or sexy referee.  You can express a mood like anger with skulls and crossbones, or playfulness with tie died colors.  Socks can have silk ribbons at the top or fluffy pompoms down the back or even pink cuban heels. And most importantly, socks keep your toes warm and build body heat in your leg muscles even before you start moving.

I have an entire drawer of socks just for dancing.  I usually take two or three different pairs with me to class, because I never know what I’ll be in the mood for.  In the summer, I love to wear a pair of striped thigh highs with my booty shorts peeping out from under a long red sweatshirt.   In the winter, I usually pull out a pair of wild knee high zebra socks to wear under my yoga pants (and give my yoga instructor a little tease).  During football season, I’ve even got a special pair of red and white striped anklets just to celebrate my favorite 49ers.

Second, socks are slippery

When I rediscovered socks, I found a new way of dancing.  Socks give you the ability to slide and slink across the floor.  They remove that sticky, annoying friction between the floor and your legs or feet.  So when you crawl, you can support more of your body weight on your legs and still slide sensuously across the floor.  When you spin, you can easily pivot on the balls of your feet.  And when you slide down the pole, you can create a continuous transition from standing to sitting.

Yes, climbing is almost impossible with socks and I definitely don’t recommend beginners attempt any inverted moves while wearing socks. But there’s so much more to life than inverts ladies!

Socks make your floorwork seamless and sensual. They give you the ability to showcase your flexibility as you slip from one pose  to the next.  With socks, you can transition from laying on your belly into a sexy V plank pose just by sliding on the tops of your feet.  Or slink from a kneeling pose in to the splitz by letting you legs slip along the floor.  And they are absolutely essential if you’re a booty popper like me who loves to “Back dat ass up.” (a truly naughty dance move where you rest on your knees, slide and pop your booty all at once)

Third, socks work your abs

Although you may not believe me now, slip on a pair of socks, and you’ll soon realize that your core muscles are key to staying in control. Socks remove the friction between you and the floor or pole.  Which means it’s absolutely critical that you use your abdominals to balance and slow down your movements.  Socks require you to ground the body while you stand or walk. They help  you to focus on your center of gravity while you twirl on your toes.  And they give you that deliberately lazy quality inherent in sensual dancing, stripping, and powerful feminine movement.

You can explore this by simply donning a pair of your favorite socks and trying to hold a plank pose.  Once you have your balance, experiment with maintaining the position of your torso while you slide your feet around. You’ll instantly notice how much harder your abs have to work while your feet are sliding and how much slower your movements become. Simply practicing with socks during your regular floorwork can help you develop power, technique, and more control in all other aspects of your movement.

Finally, socks give you freedom

If you’re ignoring improvisational dance, intuitive movement, or your sensual instincts, you’re skipping one of the most  powerful training techniques ever created. And socks, by their very nature allow the body to move in unexpected ways.

While you practice with socks, you might find you accidentally slide to the left, or wobble while you spin, or have to figure out a way to quickly transition to the floor.  Falling is an ever present safety issue, and taking the time to practice how to slow down your movements if your foot slips out from under you is a necessary evil.  Socks give you a way to do this when you’re actually expecting it.

Exploration is the spice of life.  It’s so important to keep your mind, body, and spirit open to the possibilities of doing it differently; no matter what IT might be.  And sensual movement cultivates our ability to move differently, live differently, be different from what society or the rest of the world might dictate.

But if you only move your body as your teacher demonstrates and you never explore your own abilities with playfulness, openness, and the permission to make a mistake, you’ll never discover your true capabilities- the luscious, unique, and sometimes powerful emotions that only you can express through dance.  Sometimes you need to add a new element, a new prop, to encourage your body and mind to find those new capabilities, to walk the path of life with a sexy stride and rainbow dream striped socks.

It’s time you gave yourself a delicious new challenge. Pull on a pair of socks and I’ll see you on the dance floor (and hopefully in the comments section too).

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Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!